Sometimes your the bug...

In honor of "throw back Thursday", here is a post from June of 2009...

Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug

Today I am definitely feeling like the bug. It was after midnight and of course I was dying to get to sleep. I set my alarm for early next morning...my boys' last day of school. I found a meter and a strip. I grabbed a lancet, waded through all of the junk that my youngest son had left on the stairs to his room rather than putting away and was off to test. One last check for a few hours. One check and I could sleep! We had been out for pizza to celebrate good grades so I was sure that he would still be high. He had been 16 (288) earlier so I was certain that I was going to be able to rest.

Wrong! I took the meter. I filled his finger with blood. The strip refused to suck. What the???? Okay, I cleaned the finger. I got more blood. I tried again. It just barely accepted the blood. I waited for the reading...E5. Error! Not enough blood. Oh the lovely four letter words that were on the tip of my tongue as I headed back downstairs again. I would try this one more time.

New meter. This one had to be better. New strip. Same lancing device. Back up the stairs, this time grumbling and picking up items as I went. I threw the items off to the side for my young son to deal with tomorrow and headed to his bed. Once again, I lance his finger. Once again, I got a large amount of blood. The strip sucked this time. I walked towards the stairs not even considering that I might have to correct. Good thing...he was 3.2 (57)! More choice words as I shuffled off to get some juice. I filled a glass, found a straw and went back upstairs for a third time in less than five minutes.

My son was not keen on drinking. I finally got him to sip. He drank t all except the last few drops which fly out of the straw and all over his pillow.  My cream pillow cases now have spots of red strawberry juice on them! I am choked. I hate diabetes. I clean the pillow cases as best as I can and then I wait. Why are 15 minutes a lifetime when you are dead tired and simply want this day to end?

Yeah! 5.5 (99) and I was off to bed for two hours. Oh the fun! Oh the joys! Oh where is my DexCom Seven Plus????

Return of the Zombie Mom

Last night was one of those nights that Murphy's Law of Diabetes fated to happen. I have been running around mentally and physically lately with a lot on my plate.  There are occasions coming up and never enough hours in a day to get caught up on everything.

Yesterday I was feeling great. I had my mom's Mothers Day gift all wrapped.  I was working on sorting out my youngest son's cell phone.  I had picked up a few of the required items for my oldest son's graduation including his card. My youngest had the new running shoes he had been bothering me about. I was happening. I finally called it a night well after 11:30. That is pretty late for me these days but I felt great! You know where this is headed right?

My biological alarm clock is back on track and at 2am I woke up.  I stumbled to my son's room, tested his blood and waited for the result. It was 5.6 (100).  What to do? What to do? He could go up.  He could go down. I didn't want to treat or reduce any insulin just in case but...

Back to bed I went. I would be up in another hour.  Once again, my personal alarm did not fail me and I crawled back out of my bed.  Good call Mama Pancreas...a lousy 4.6 (83).  This was not a good trend. I grabbed some orange juice (remember he hates the glucose tab hangover) and gave him the straw to drink. I curled up on the couch with my book and attempted to turn the words in front of me into meaningful sentence. 

Thankfully it was soon time to retest. I turned off lights and headed back to my son's room. All would be fine. Wrong! He was now 4.4 (79).  Insert profanity here alternated with the "thank you Lord for waking me up!" prayer.  Okay, more juice, more reading, more waking up. 

By about 4:30 all was good for me to head back to bed.  So much for sleep. I knew I would not get to go back to bed the next morning and I didn't. I have simply spent the day as a walking zombie but what can you expect when you live with diabetes? Only the unexpected of course!

Why I hate Five

Its been three Thursdays and we are still doing the "Reading Review Thursdays"! Yesterday was actually a bit of a fluke.  My son had been having high reading overnight for the past three days. I knew that it was time to make a change. I decided that it was easiest to look at the rest of his readings then as well.  As I was writing down dates, I realized that it was Thursday! I was right on schedule. Yeah me!

Yes, I need a life and am a little sleep deprived.  You see, despite being high for three nights (and I mean close to 20 or 360 for my American pals) my son was perfect to on the low side all night long last night. 

After our pump tweaking, we sat at the kitchen table and chatted while he drank a Tim Horton's smoothie.  He was 4.5(81) before he started.  He then ate two Eggo's as well.  I felt that he would soon be running a lot higher and my basal changes came just in time!

Erring on the side of caution however, about 20 minutes after he went to bed I had him test again. He was 4.2 (75)! Crap! I sent him to the kitchen to chug a glass of juice. 

"Should I stay up and retest because I am low?"
"Well, you aren't technically low. You are just in a range that I really don't like you to go to sleep at.  The juice should cover it. You have school tomorrow, get some rest and I will check later."

I checked him a few hours later and he was right around 5 (90).  Was he going to go up or drop? I was not going to get any sleep.  I hate these nights--no clear low but clearly not safe yet either.  I didn't want to add glucose and send him too high but was it safe to leave him? Would he stay around 5? Could I be that lucky? My mind would continue to race like this all night long.

I slept for another hour but I had to get up and check again. He was dropping.  At 4.2(75) I gave him juice, grabbed my book and waited.  By 4am, he was back up to 5.6 (101) and I could sleep for another couple of hours.  By 6am I was up again but he was finally up over my favorite number 6 and had climbed to 8.6(155).  A bit of peace at last!!

Today I have to decide if I keep the basal rates at their new higher level and risk a repeat performance (although with a little knowledge, a temporary basal would be added to the mix if things began to tank) or if I go back to the old settings and assume that the highs were site related. Decisions, decisions. Just another night on the Diabetes Roller coaster.

Two or Three?

Last night was one of those nights...you know the ones that you wake up but debate if it really is time to test or not? I have written about the debate many times. Last night was not a lot different.

I woke up at two.  Should I test? My bed was really warm. Maybe I could wait until three. My son had gone to bed a bit early and had tested earlier than normal.  He was perfectly in range which could spell disaster later. I decided that I had to get up.

Instincts were sadly right. He was low--not a lot low but low enough to need some glucose.  I dug through his drawers looking for some tablets. I know I have said how much he hates waking up to a glucose tablet hangover but tablets it was going to be. After grabbing three or four empty tubes of tablets, I finally scrounged up enough glucose to treat the low. I fed him as he slept and then stumbled to find my book and a place on the couch.

This process continued until 3am.  Despite the low being caught at 3.7(around 65), it took a lot of glucose to bring it over 4.1 (75ish). As I sat on the couch reading, I looked outside and noticed the snow that had fallen. The weather people had forecast a storm of snow, after an hour to treat my son's low, a snow day would be a welcomed treat. I headed back to bed hoping that the weather would worsen and realizing that while I wondered if I should test at two or at three, Diabetes had decided that I would test from two UNTIL three. UGH!

Sleepless with Diabetes

Diabetes has lived in my house for more than 11 years and 8 months.  During that time (and for a number of years before), I have never slept through the night. I wake up at least once but more often multiple times through the night each and everyone of those nights. whether my son is at home or not.
Each time that I wake up I run through a gamut of emotions... Holy crap! What's wrong? Do I need to test? Is there something going on that I am missing? Should I get up? What time is it? I must need to test!
As well as... do you have any idea what time it is? You went to sleep less than an hour ago! Are you insane? Get some sleep! He just tested before he went to bed and that was only 20 minutes ago.  Roll over.  Sleep for another hour or two maximum and then test him.  At that point it will be okay.  He is alright. Close your eyes and shut down your mind. Enjoy the break!
Are you serious? What if he is low and I missed it? What if????
Go to sleep.
At that point, I will usually sleep for another hour or so and then am woke up by much of the same dialogue and mounting anxiety.  This time it is more of a "get your butt out of bed.  You wanted to be woken up, you were, now deal with it!". 
I crawl out of my warm bed because I know that I will stress myself if I stay there any longer. I stumble into my son's room, wonder where the light is and then pause as I watch his bed.  Just as I did when my boys were sleeping in their cribs, I watch.  I hold my breath until I see his chest rise or hear him snore. If he rolls over as I walk in the door, my heart is set at ease...until I test him.
No matter what the result is though, I do have some peace.  My son is alive.  He is okay.  Diabetes did not win.  I am doing my job. We will make it through another night...I think.

For some reason, the past few nights when I have woke for the fifth time in four hours, I have ached for the too many other parents who were doing the same thing.  I have been grateful for the parents who do not have this experience.  I have longed for the day when I don't have to wake and worry...whether my son is with me or not.  I longed for the day when it is safe for him to sleep...as well as me.

Thankful for Nightmares!

Last night I went to bed and, for a change, fell asleep right away. It was wonderful! My son was running a bit on the higher end of okay and sleep was my friend...or so I thought!

After a few hours of peaceful slumber, I began to dream. The dream was strange and twisted.  I finally awoke after a few minutes (that seemed like hours) of terror, violence and mayhem.  I hadn't watched anything scarier than part of Gene Simmons' Family Jewels, and I hadn't had anything to eat. I had no idea why I was awake but awake I was and still shaking! 

It was only 1:30am but I decided to get up, shake off the heebie jeebies and test my son.  I stumbled to his room first, found his meter and got an error.  Grr!! I was now out of test strips.  Next meter! Grabbed another one and waited for his reading. It was 3.3 (60).  Where did that come from? I began searching his room for glucose. He had tablets but only green apple. I had been reprimanded recently for improper use of the coveted green apple tablets. I was told that I should not be wasting these awesome tablets at night when he would not remember them.

With that in mind, I headed to the kitchen to grab some of the more acceptable night time tablets.  I fed him in his sleep and waited.  I was still shaking from the dream. I was dying to crawl back into my bed, cuddle in and make the horrible feeling go away.  I was also extremely grateful. 

Again, I had no idea why I had this dream.  It started out nice enough and ended up being horrific, but I was so glad that it happened. Normally I would not wake up until 2:30 or 3am.  I didn't dare think about that could have happened if I had waited. 

That was not the first time  that I had been woken by a dream, a strange noise or the call of bodily functions.  It was not the first time that an interruption to my sleep had caught an unexpected low.  I am not the only person that this happens to but I can guarantee that every one of us parents of children with diabetes who have been woke by a nightmare or a rollerskating Indian say a heartfelt prayer of thanks when all is said and done!

Blue Candles

For those of us in the diabetes community, the title says it all--Blue Candles. They are the candles that we light in cyberspace to remember someone with diabetes who has lost the fight. Each month, each week, we seem to see these images pop up across the online community.  As profile pictures are changed on Facebook stories emerge, fears grow and the desire for a cure is that much stronger.

This time the candles are being lit for a bright, young fourteen year old girl. She was diagnosed when she was four years old.  She laid down for a nap and her father found her dead on her bed a few hours later.  The story sends chills down my spine.  She did not die at night. She passed away sometime during the afternoon.  We do not know many of the details.  We only know that she was far too young to die.

I don't tell my son about these stories any more. He is almost the same age and has had diabetes for a few years more than she did. I don't light candles on my Facebook profile.  I don't write about half of the stories that I hear.  I can't. I read about these children--whether they are fourteen or forty, they are still someones children.  My heart breaks for the parents and the families. I hug my boys a little closer. I pray a little harder. I hope for the very best.
I was reading a story one day of another child lost and of course had teared up a little. Someone told me that many children sadly die each day.  It could be a complication from cancer or an asthma attack but other diseases kill as well. It was suggested that I can't focus on these deaths and be obsessed or paranoid. I reassured this person that I wasn't. I read. I mourn. My heart aches for the families and I grieve for the life cut short before its time. 

It is true that our children die crossing the street, riding in cars and playing in swimming pools.  As parents, we do our very best to protect them.  We teach them to look both ways before crossing the street. We put them in car seats and demand that they were seat belts.  We teach them water safety and we warn them about the dangers of drugs and alcohol.  All in all we do our very best to guide them and pray that they will be okay.

As parents of children with diabetes, we do all of that "normal" stuff and then we do a little more.  We work to help them to recognize highs and lows.  We test them as often as we can.  We keep tight control to prevent complications and fear going too far and having to wake to a child gone because of a low.  These fears are real. They do not keep me up all night but they do wake me up at 2am to test.  They do not stop me from letting my son be a child but it does make me check his pockets for glucose and his cell phone when he goes out.

As a parent, I cannot protect either of my children 24/7 for the rest of their lives. I wish I could. As much as I love watching them grow, think and spread their wings, part of me craves for the days past when I held them tight and could keep them safe in my arms.  They are growing. My oldest son is driving and almost out of school.  My youngest is well into his teen aged years and venturing off on his own more and more.  Diabetes or not, I can only pray I have done my best, continue to do as much as I can and leave the rest up to a higher power.

Last night was my son's first night home after a few weeks away. I went to bed and woke a few hours later than I had planned to but he was low. The story of young Carson played itself out in the back of my head. After 45 minutes and a lot of juice, his blood glucose levels were back in range and I could return to bed. I said a prayer of thanks that I woke up to test him. I prayed for Carson's family.  I touched my son's hair and wanted to hold him tight and kiss him gently on the forehead like I used to when he was small. He is now a teen. If I did anything beyond quietly touch his hair he would wake up creeped out and would claim nightmares for the rest of the night! Instead, I watched him sleep and I thanked God that he was alive, healthy and happy.

I will test my son at all hours. I will remind him to bolus.  I will deal with late night lows.  I will demand to know where he is going when he leaves the house. I will preach the evils of smoking, drug use and the dangers of too much alcohol.  That is my job and I need to know that when I close my eyes I have done that job to the best of my ability. This will never guarantee the 100% safety of either of my boys but its my very best and that is all a parent can ever do.

When perfect isn't so perfect

I was tempted today to just re-post My Favorite Number blog.  It kind of fits with my night. My son's readings have been all over the map. I am sure that is in keeping with the crazy weather--one day summer and six days of late fall. We have days of extreme activity followed by days of xBox and Dukes of Hazard movies. Add to that sites that are usually left a day or two longer than they should be and you can see blood glucose anarchy quickly developing.

Last night I expected highs.  He had a totally lazy day so when I looked at the blood on his finger as I tested, I predicted that it was of the "high" consistency.  Wrong! It was of the "crap, which way is it going to go" consistency.  He was perfect. He was 5.2(94).  It was 3 am.  What was he going to do for the rest of the night? Would he go up? Would he stay the same? Would he drop? Perfection is rarely achieved. What was I to do?

At 3 am, I hedge my bets that he will drop and feed him two glucose tablets.  I stumble back to bed hoping that I haven't sent him nice and high for his first full day of summer vacation.

When I woke up the next morning, I got up and tested him again. I was positive that I would see a 9(160). I was sure that I had driven him up. Wrong again! He was low.  I went out to get him some juice but of course we only had Crystal Lite.  Okay, I will add sugar to it! A few big spoons full of sugar and off I went to wake him up and get him to drink. I don't normally wake him but its morning and I was up so he could be also!

After a glass of sugary juice and he only went up to 3.5 (65ish).  Next stop was tablets.  I fed him at least another four.  As he was eating, in his sleep, I couldn't help but think "Rockets--the breakfast of champions!"   I so need a life!

As you can see its been a fun filled start to summer vacation. He will be heading off to his father's for a few weeks soon so I had better get things a bit more in control by then. Wish me luck!!!

The "LOW" down on a 13 year old's Party weekend

What a weekend! Friday, my son came home from school and wanted to go to the fair with his friends that evening. Where was the fair? At the other end of the city of course! Well, the school year is coming to a close and some of these boys will be going to a different school from my son in the fall, so I agreed to allow him to go.  He had glucose, meter, pump, cell phone and was set. 

As I picked him up later that evening I was rather amazed. My baby had been out in a city without me or his older brother, walking the streets at night and I had allowed it? He was with a crowd of a dozen or so other young people so there really was no danger involved. It was just scary that he was old enough to have this sort of responsibility.  He had tested and all was fine but I knew that after walking for five hours on a fair ground and goofing around with his pals that Diabetes would get its revenge.  It had behaved while he was out.  There were no lows to worry about so you know that the night would be rough! 

This was one night that I decided to be proactive. I put on his "low" basal was sure I would give myself a small reprieve.  When I tested him at 3am he was perfect. I gave myself a mental high five and went back to bed with a small glow of victory. I had beat Diabetes at is own game this night!! Oh yeah!!

My victory was short lived however. There was to be no sleeping in on this Saturday morning. I hadn't extended that reduced basal rate and Diabetes took advantage causing him to be low.  We all got up, showered and headed out to breakfast instead. Take that Diabetes!

Later that night was party number two for my social young son.  This party I knew would be active.  A group of boys were headed off into the woods as we arrived but I was more concerned with making sure that he again had all of his supplies so I didn't think to adjust any basal rates. After a few hours, I sent him a text and asked if he had tested. He said he was just about to do it.  I waited.  An hour later I received a second text..

"I am 3.4.  Took 4 tablets."

3.4 (62) Crap! but at least he had treated. I called him back and told him to retest and put that "low" basal rate on.  I waited and sent another text asking if he had retested.  He assured me that all was okay. 

We got home after midnight that night and once again I double checked to see if the temporary basal rate was on. This time I also made sure that I reactivated it when I tested during the night. I was going to beat Diabetes this time! Wrong.  I may have delayed things but Diabetes continued to send my son low multiple times during the rest of the day. I was really getting tired of this.

Sunday evening I sat down with the meter, pump and my son. I got out the log book and got serious.  I made carb to insulin ratio adjustments. I analyzed basal rates.  I changed profiles to allow for summer late nights, later mornings and increased activity levels.  Once again I was confident that we would at least see a few days of good readings.

Wrong.  Diabetes kicked my butt once more.  The night was fine but by 8am things were going down hill fast.  3.0 (54), four glucose tablets....3.0(54) another four glucose tablets and a few choice words...5.6 (100) victory but by then I was wide awake. So much for sleeping in on a stormy Monday morning. My son got up as well, complaining that his mouth felt like he had eaten a tonne of sugar...well you did!

I have more changes to make before my son heads off to visit his father for a few weeks. If this keeps up, my nerves will be shot before he heads off on his own.  The reality of diabetes is that once I get these rates just perfect, he will have a growth spurt and we will be fighting highs for the next two months. I so love this windy, twisted road of life with Diabetes...grrr! Give me strength!

Easter Vacation...The adventures of Day One

We packed up our supplies...with two vials of insulin for good measure.  I made sure that we had at least two meters, 100 test strips, and an infusion set for every day my son would be away from home.  There would not be a problem on this trip!

We squeezed our way into the car and prayed that my oldest son would pack light or we may have to strap him to the roof! Thankfully we all fit in...with a bit of room to spare.  I was really prepared for this trip.  The first length of our trip was a nine hour car ride. I had my son put the "travel basal" into his pump and we were happening!

We bg levels stayed relatively stable despite the hours in the car and the only exercise being lifting his diet Pepsi to his lips at a restaurant. When arrived at the hotel room, we unwound a bit before enjoying big slices of pizza and garlic fingers.  I went to bed certain that no activity and pizza would result in some lovely highs that night.

At 3:30, I woke up and stumbled over to my son's bed.  The room was dark and I didn't want to wake Larry, my other son or the dogs.  Both dogs were on my son's bed.  Our dog didn't move at the sound of me going to test my child.  She was used to this routine. It had been around longer than her.  The other dog is Larry's and she perked up her head.  She wondered what was going on.  I was collecting blood from my child to make sure he made it through the night.

The blood looked to me like he was high. I waited the 5 seconds and was sure I would be entering a correction. Wrong!  He was low. Crap! Good thing I packed that bottle of glucose because the only beverage in our room was diet Root beer.  I tried to concentrate enough to count off four tablets.  I checked the clock on more time and looked longingly at my bed. I so wanted to crawl back in there and go to sleep. I knew if I did...well I would fall asleep. Darn! Time to get out my book.

I couldn't read it in the hotel room.  There were five other bodies that would not have appreciated me turning on a light to read for the next 15 minutes or more so I headed to the bathroom. I set myself up on the edge of the bathtub and proceeded to enjoy my new novel.  After 15 minutes, I was joined by Larry.  He noticed that I was up and wondered what was going on.  I said "3.3(59)" .  He just nodded and continued on with his business.

I decided to go and check my son. Victory!! He was in range! Time for some sleep...not a lot mind you as we had to be up early to continue on with the next leg of our journey.  But as they used to say on one of the TV shows the boys used to watch "that is a story for another time."

Happy Easter!!

He woke up!!

This weekend we headed off for some relaxation and spring cleaning at the cabin.  We brought the ATVs, the axe and of course the Fantastik with bleach for the tough spots! Fresh air, a few good rides, clean surroundings, the sound of birds and wonderful company made for a great weekend.

But of course we could not leave Diabetes behind. Once again, the checklist was brought out...

Do you have extra strips?

Two bottles.

Do you have spare sites?

How many should I take?
One for every day we are gone. You can never have too many sites and don't forget a syringe or two just in case! Do you have cartridges?
Yep.
A spare meter?
I think so. Yep, its here!

Did you notice the item that we once again forget to check off from the list? Yes, after a near disaster this winter, we still forgot to add the vials of insulin to the check list! There is always insulin vials sitting on his dresser.  I was sure that he would add one or two to his kit.  What was I thinking??

Day two of eating, exercising, and fresh air... My son boluses his food and I notice that the plunger is pretty high up in his pump. 

How much insulin do you have in there?
Oh I have lots! At least ...um, well, there's 35 units left.  Is that bad?
Did you bring a spare vial?
Um, I think we have some left from that other trip.
Did you bring a spare vial?
No.
I guess you won't be eating much for the rest of our time here!
"What do you mean exactly by not eating much?" asks the human garberator also known as my youngest son.
I mean, you have enough insulin to cover your basal for 24 hours and a bit.
Oh.

On the upside, we were not going to be there for 24 hours.  The downside was there was still a marshmallow roast, breakfast (his highest insulin meal of the day), and a cooked lunch.  The upside was they had eaten most of the marshmallows the night before so that treat was pretty limited. He carefully monitored his food intake for the rest of the night. He had sugar free jello a lot and used an apple for a low.

Sunday morning arrived with sunlight streaming in our bedroom window.  I could hear someone up...and they were stoking the fire! This was good. My son is never up before us but I would enjoy the heat in the cabin and chaulk it up to him wanting to get out and enjoy his last day on his ATV before we went home. Eventually I got up, after I was sure he had everything organized for the rest of us. I told him how surprised I was that he was up.

I was low.
You were low?? And you got up? On your own??? Holy crap! Are you serious?
Yep, I was low.
My baby is growing up! You woke up to your low!!

I grabbed my son and gave him a huge hug. We were all in shock.  He will be spending time with his father over Easter and I am always worried when he is away from me and my CGMM system.  Could he really be sensing those lows in his sleep? I am not about to count on it. I am however going to be extremely grateful that he is at least occasionally (once in a lifetime could be considered occasionally right?) waking up to treat himself!

The new rule for all hypos.

"You were low at 2:30 last night but you didn't retest until an hour later."
"It was an hour? It seemed like it was just a few minutes later."
"It was an hour and twice this week when you have been low during the night, you dropped AFTER I treated the first low."
"I hate retesting. I never remember.  Lows should not be allowed to happen at that time of night."
"I wish! Tell that one to your body!"
"I will. Lows should only happen at 6pm."
"6pm works for me."
"Yeah, it could be earlier but then it would be 3 and that would be at school so 6pm will do."


Later same night...

"I think I am low."

"How low are you?"

"2.8" (50)

"Get some juice NOW. At least you timed this one better but its not 6pm its 10."

"I know. I have to fix that. Lows are only allowed to happen at 6pm."

After a few minutes I saw him testing again. "Its too early to retest."

"I'm sure its been time."
"Wait a bit."
"Okay."
All was fine...for the moment.

Do you not understand a "snow day"??

I asked my son for his meter last night.  As I looked through it I saw, high, high, high, no test, no test, and yet another high reading.  I turned to him and asked if he somehow missed the pattern here?

"Did you do that site change I asked you to do?"
"No.  I can't put it in my stomach on my own."
"Well I have been home for how many hours to help you and there were the past two days that it should have been done on."

Eventually we get it all straight, complete with a "Common Mom, say it."  Say what? He proceeds to say his name with drawn out exaggeration mimicking me when he has managed to mess up in his care. I tried not to laugh and reminded him that he could have avoided all of this.

Site changed, readings back down in range, and I was off to bed! I woke up at 2:30am and of course thought "Just one more hour.  PLEASE!!??"  I rationalized that he had been high lately and he probably would be okay tonight.  One more hour would not hurt right? The little angel on my other shoulder reminded me that there was a reason that I woke up and I had better haul that lazy butt of mine out of bed NOW!

I stumbled my way straight into his room. I did not stop to use the washroom or get distracted in any other way. I was a Mom on a mission--although a slightly foggy one.  I found his kit, lanced his finger and waited the lovely 5 seconds (after having to wait 30 seconds for results, you have no idea how much pleasure that still gives me especially in the wee hours of the morning!).  The result...WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED???  Holy crap.  Grab the juice.  This boy was low! Now not the LO low but the "way lower than we normally experience low" and the "way too low for 2:30am especially with a mom who was going to let it slide" low.  I filled a large glass of juice, found a straw and touched his lips.  He began sucking and the mommy guilt slowly tried to grab hold.

I should have known! He had been a little low around this time earlier in the week.  He had gone with a bad site for who knows how long.  Being a bad mom, I had not been on top of when his site change was due nor did I make sure it was done on time.  He was using his stomach--which means awesome absorption of insulin.  This was all a recipe for a low--especially since I had upped his basal rates during that time in reaction to the previous highs.  Ugh! What had I been thinking? Oh well, it was time to read my book and wait. 

When the required time was up, I went to check on my son and see if he was okay and I was good to go to bed.  Nope! He was lower still.  Insert a lot of very colorful words at this point.  Holy crap! More juice, grab the bottle of glucose tablets.  Feed him a few tablets.  Add a bit of juice to remove the tablet "hangover" he complains of after feeding them to him during a nighttime hypo.  I try not to think at all about the fact that I didn't want to get up.  I focus on the fact that I did get up and I really did want to be reading my book at 3am.  Its an okay book.  What else would I rather be doing? Okay, I won't answer that and read for a few more minutes. The second retest and we are good to go.  He was heading up and I was heading to bed once again grateful to that little voice that kicks my sorry butt out of bed that night. 

As daylight began to think about appearing, I found myself awake again.  I could hear the storm that was forecast and was positive that it would be a snow day.  I waited to see if we would get that 6am phone call from the school's automated phone system.  Nothing.  I really didn't want to get out of bed. I knew that there was going to be no school.  Finally I saw the flash of red on my phone and knew that it was a message from the school.  BINGO! No school for today! Oh yeah! Back to sleep for me! Happy squirm in bed!

 Perhaps I should test him first just in case, I thought.  The bed was really warm though.  Did I really want to move and disturb anyone else? Look what happened last night. Okay, I got out of bed and guess what? Yes, we were back to being low.  He was only 3.1(55) this time.  Still not good but not as bad as during the night. More glucose and juice but this time I crawled back in my bed.  For some reason, I have this delusion that after daylight, he will wake if low and I will be off the hook.  I waited in bed, trying to fall back to sleep but no way.  I got up and retested.  Un-freakin-believable!! He was lower than he started! Super crap! Doesn't Diabetes realize that this is a "SNOW" day...as in a sleep in day? This is so not supposed to happen. More juice, more tablets and eventually I see an 8.6(155) and I am ready to hunker down and enjoy some extra sleep for our extra long weekend. 

Just as I cuddled in, Larry could take no more.  I had been up a million times and he was getting up for breakfast. I should have gotten up too but decide to try and hang in a little longer. It didn't work. Soon we were both up, and my son? Well he slept until noon.  He is sick so Mom gave him a break.  I just wish Diabetes was as nice as I am!  

My favorite number

Everyone always asks you "what is your favorite number?"  For whatever reason, mine has always been six.  Today I realized how much I truly love that number.

Last night I tested my son at 2:30am.  I had changed his basal rate was I was expecting him to be either in range or high.  I was figuring on the high because we only seem to have readings fall into one category or the other--high or low. I was happy to see that he was 6mmol (100) and headed back to bed with a smile on my face.

This morning I began to think about numbers.  A high (anything over 12 in my world) causes a groan--hormones are raging or we miscalculated a bolus and I am a bad pancreas. A higher high--something over 16 (290) causes a slightly larger reaction--CRAP! What is wrong? Did we forget a bolus? Is the site in? Is the insulin bad? Is there air in the tubing? Will this correction work or should I inject? Crap!

There is also the dreaded non-number.  You know, when the meter simply says "HI" and you know that its not being friendly and wanting to strike up a conversation.  That is the reading that instantly gets the "Oh SH!#" response followed by the injection, ketone meter, jug of water, new site, new insulin and a lot more cursing wondering where I went wrong. I am now a colossal failure as a pancreas and have to get serious FAST.

On the other side of the coin, we have the number 5. I hate a five at night (90 for my American friends).  A five is a number that is close to six but far enough away that it could easily turn into a four...or less.  A five keeps me awake at night. I wonder which way it will go.  Will it make it up to my beloved six or will it tank to an unwanted two?

Fours are much more simplistic.  Add a small amount of sugar.  Its too close to call so I assume we are heading to a low.  Add a tablet or a bit of chocolate milk and rest assured that a crisis has been averted.  Well don't rest too soundly because I have been wrong before and he could still tank but its a start.

Threes are a two tiered panic.  The first three I see at night, I respond with "crap"! I have to be a bit awake and somehow get glucose into my child.  The second three (or worse) means I am wide awake and cursing the arrival of diabetes into our lives.  I then know that this will be a long night and I will be tortured by its memory long after he has climbed back up to my special number--six.

A two or one? Well they instantly put me in five star, full fledged, try not to panic, but What The...??? freak-out mode.  These numbers have me clambering for glucose and praying I don't need the glucagon.  These numbers have me watching the clock praying for the next reading to be so much better.

Yes, six is a wonderful number. Its peaceful.  It means I have been a good pancreas.  It has a serene sense to it.  Even a 6 in an A1c is fabulous.  I love six...don't you?

Hello, I am a pancreas

Hello, I am a pancreas--well, I play one in real life anyway.

I am up at all hours adjusting, dosing, and praying.  Lows occur when you least expect them and when they are the most inopportune.  The other night a low blood glucose level arrived at 2:30 in the morning.  I woke up, had my usual fight with myself, got up and tested my son.  I was surprised to see him looking back at me in a questioning sort of way. 

"You are low."
"Okay, I will go and grab the juice."

Wow, was this the start of something new? Him treating himself? Him waking on his own?  Dare I hope?

He came up with the juice, put it on the counter and headed off towards his room.

"Where are you going??
"To bed."
"I don't think so. I am up and so are you.  Sit down and drink this."

I let him go back to sleep after his juice.  No sense both of us being awake to retest.  Besides, he is the child, I am the pancreas. Its my job to be up.

I headed back to bed once he was in range.  Crisis averted, now time to unwind because I have to be up at 6am later that morning.  I had to take Larry to the airport and then get a few other things done.  Of course, unwind time is not instant even for a pancreas.  I toss.  I turn.  My mind races. I say thank you for being woken up once again at just the right time.  Eventually I fall asleep knowing that in a matter of hours the alarm will sound to begin another day.

We muddle through the next day.  In order to be a good pancreas, I need to see the results of my efforts. I ask my son to fill out his log book so we can see how things are going.

"There are no problems."

"Gee thanks for the insight.  Now let me see what has been happening."

Eventually he begins to transfer the data onto good old paper for his aging mother to look at.  I know many people are saying just download the data onto your PC. Who uses a log book? Me, that's who.  I have to "see the stuff" to make changes.

After a bit of grumbling we head to bed and I call out "Turn off that XBox and what was your last reading?"
"Its off."
"Yes but what was your reading?"  Silence follows. I know he hasn't tested yet.
"5.5 (99)"

I silently swear knowing, as a good pancreas does, that I will have to check on him soon because, despite the food in his belly, we are liable to see a repeat of the previous night's low.  I remain pretty good at my job of chasing the inevitable havoc wreaked on my son's body by diabetes.  Sure enough, by 1:30am I have forced myself out of bed and he is rock bottom low.  Darn I hate being right!

This night however, my son does not wake up.  I feed him glucose tablets as he sleeps and chew along side of him as if that will make things go down easier.  Unfortunately I slip a little as a pancreas.  In my sleep deprived state, I cannot chew and count tablets.  I keep putting them in my child's lips and he keeps eating unaware of how many we have used but figuring that more is better. He will complain in the morning about the "glucose tablet" hangover he has (a horrible taste in his mouth after too many tablets being fed to him the night before).

After an hour or more, his blood glucose level is on the rise and its safe for me to get a bit of rest.  This pancreas is weary.  The pay is poor.  The hours are atrocious but the benefit of my son being alive and healthy each morning make everything else worthwhile. 

 

Diabetes threw a tantrum

We began to prepare for our weekend away...

Clothes?

Check.

Spare clothes for when the first set gets wet in the snow?

Check.

Glucometer?
Check.

Spare glucometer?

Check.

Test strips, ketone strips, alcohol swabs, spare pump, batteries, and infusion sets for every day we will be gone?

Check.

Insulin and cartridges? Oops, insulin is old and the other bottle is empty.  Make sure to grab a new bottle.  Actually grab two.

Why two?
One could freeze. Get two.

Soon we hopped in the truck and did the head count--two adults? Yep.  Two kids? Yep.  Three dogs? Yep and we were off! A weekend of snowmobiling, relaxing, some snowboarding, and possibly a drink or two.

Saturday morning Larry and I were up before the boys and headed out for a day on the powder.  He found us a great trail and the first cabin we found housed old friends of his.  We soon kicked them all out of bed and went off to enjoy four feet of powder, some packed snow, frozen ponds, and sunny skies. 

Half way through our day my cell phone rang. We were in the middle of nowhere. Service was poor so I had to wait to call my son back.  A text got through while I was trying to get a call out. 

"Where did you put the insulin?"  Where did I put the insulin??  What the heck was he talking about? I threw out the insulin and told him to get a couple new vials.

I sent him a message back saying just that. The insulin was whereever he packed it.  The text back left me on the verge of tears.  He didn't pack any. Why did we have to bring diabetes along? Isn't life enough to deal with? Why did we have to deal with remembering all of this extra stuff?  I was doing my best not to panic or be overwhelmed. Insulin could be purchased in the nearest town.  It would cost me out of pocket but the weekend would be saved. 

Larry had a better idea. His cousin had a son with Type 1.  He would call them and see if he used the same insulin.  He maded the call. The son used a different type but it was still fast-acting. What do we do? I knew that Larry would be upset to have his day ruined and I didn't blame him. I knew that changing insulin was not going to kill my son but it would work differently and require some serious testing.  Larry asked me what to do. I said, he could use the other type of insulin.  He told them to bring the insulin over to my son.

We gave them a half hour and then we called to see what had happened.  My son was outside playing in the snow. His pump was filled and all was okay. I reminded him to test a lot and all was okay. 

We continued our day and my son continued his.  We got back in the early evening and found everyone alive and content.  We promised the boys that they would be able to ride around the next day but they seemed to have had a great time amusing themselves in the snow.  As the evening wore on, my son sang the praises of the new insulin. He was running lower than he had in ages and he was happy about it.  I reminded him that he was also more active than he had been in a long time.  I checked how much insulin he had in the cartridge and tried to decided if I needed to buy more or if we could make it until we got home. We were good but I needed to top up the cartridge he had. When I asked for a new cartridge my son said, we forgot that too.

What???? Again, I was surprisingly calm. I asked how he filled the cartridge. He said he should be a doctor! He used a syringe and filled away.  Forgetting the cartridges was my fault. I was sure there were some in the bag but didn't look.  I was glad he had figured out how to make things work on his own. We refilled the cartridge he had out and all was okay.

That night I reduced his basal rate in fear of the different insulin and the higher activity.  He remained okay. He lost a site during the night that Mom didn't find out about until the next day so he was a little high. The next day was equally as active and that night diabetes continued its weekend long tantrum. It had interupted a couple's day.  It had messed up a "guys' day".  The last straw was it messed up another night sleep--for four of us.

At 3 am I woke up.  I stumbled across the hall and tried to test my son.  I couldn't see. I couldn't find a light.  I had him wake up to test.  He couldn't get blood in the strip either.  We turned on a light, no longer worried about waking his bunk mate.  Thankfully the other child continued to sleep while we waited to see what the meter would say.  He was low.  Crap! I had brought a box of juice packs so I headed over to my room to get one. Of course my book fell and things began to crash in the tiny room.  So much for being quiet!

He drank the juice. I turned on my light to read knowing that I would most likely wake Larry but hoping he would sleep.  No such luck. "He's low?" Yes. He tried to go back to sleep.  

I read for 15 minutes and headed back into my son's room. Test. Going up but still low.  Crap! More juice. Box is now harder to get into. More banging. Will anyone sleep through this?? Drink. Read. Wait. Hear more people waking. Lovely.  I suck at being quiet at three in the morning in someone else's house. Diabetes should learn to be quiet. I wait. Retest. Yes! I can sleep!! Well for another couple of hours because we were leaving first thing in the morning.  It would have been so much nicer if diabetes had have stayed home or at least learned how to behave in public.

Thank you Jed and Ellie Mae!

In honour of World Diabetes Day and Sir Frederick Banting's birthday, my son decided to run low.  I guess his body felt that that was a good night to show how powerful insulin could really be.

In typical teen boy fashion, he ate his way through a leisurely Sunday.  I didn't worry too much about his diabetes.  He was testing. He was bolusing and a look at his meter proved that he was in range for most of the day.  By the time the evening came, I felt that all of that food would have to catch up with him overnight and expected him to run a little high. I got him organized and headed off to bed.

A few minutes later my son tested before turned out the lights.  He was 4.6 mmol (85ish mgdl). That is too low for him to go to sleep so he happily grabbed a glass of juice, sent me a text message (in the next room) and continued his evening activity--watching old episodes of the Beverly Hillbillies TV show.  After awhile of me not responding to his text, he decided to call me...again,in the room across the hall, but he forgot that I do not keep my cell phone in my room at night.  The phone rang in the kitchen and my child retested himself giving up on his mother's help. 

He was now under 4 mmol (below 72) and grabbed some more juice.  Again, he was not really bothered by any of this.  It was a great excuse to stay up and he could watch more "Hillbillies".  Another episode it was before he was in range.  When he finally climbed above 6 (108), he shut down his DVD player and called it a night. 

A few hours later, it was Mom's turn to wake, test and find him low.  I didn't have a TV series to watch so for me it was reading my book while I waited.  I still didn't know that he had been low earlier in the night.  He told me the next morning when I asked about the call and text.  Thank heavens for a TV in his room and the Clampetts.  Who knew that a show so old could play a part in keeping my child safe during the night!

Is Diabetes More Deadly than ever?

Yesterday I heard of another child who died because of Type 1 diabetes.  She was thirteen years old--the age of my own son.  She had Type 1 diabetes--like my son.  She had parents who loved her and who were diligent in her diabetes care but she died anyway.  That is every parent's greatest fear.  She had hopes and dreams.  She wanted to die an old woman with a book on her chest...sadly she died before she became old or had any experience as a woman. It is truly heartbreaking.

This is not the first death from diabetes that we have heard of in just this past year.  This is not the first time that I have heard of someone so young being taken by this disease. This death led me down a path of contemplation.  Why were so many people dying? Was this something new? Did we lose children to this disease before? Had we traded rapid insulin and better technology for a higher chance of death?

Those of us who live with the unwanted houseguest called "Diabetes", know that with tight control which promises prolonged health is the risk of severe hypoglycemia and death. Its a risk most of us take with some caution.  We try to keep the A1c down.  We work to maintain "normal" blood glucose readings at the risk of becoming hypoglycemic unaware.  Its a scary balance.  Night is our enemy as we fear, as these parents did, of waking up to our children "Dead in Bed".

I put the question out to many parents yesterday--was diabetes more deadly now because of the advances we have or do we hear about death more because of social networking and our reliance on the internet?

The answers were mixed.  Many had a new fear of this age of puberty (the last number of deaths were young teens).  Were teens more suseptible because of insulin needs that changed on a daily basis with incredible swings?  Did adolescence and its rebellion breed a greater risk of deadly behaviors in children with diabetes?

Others felt that technology was a good thing.  We were not seeing as many complications as we once did but they noted that try as we might, we are just not pancreases.  We could not do enough to mimick Mother Nature.  We were not God and could not anticipate all of the body's needs.  Despite our best efforts, some form of complications or worse were likely to happen at one point. That was terrifying.

We have children and we realize a need to protect them.  Many are devistated by the diabetes diagnosis because they feel that they have failed to protect their child/children.  After diagnosis, the need to protect becomes even stronger because we failed the first time around.  Now it becomes our job to keep their bodies healthy and strong. We fight to make sure that they have a normal life--as normal as it is to live with syringes, pumps, glucometers, and glucose tablets with you 24/7.  To read of a death just shows us that our best just may not be enough.

Yes, I realize that my choice of pronouns has changed from someone else to me. I have always felt it was my job to protect my children and yet my son almost died because of diabetes and misdiagnosis.  It is now my job to turn him over a healthy body when he leaves my care.  Its a difficult job especially since he is at an age when he is looking for his own independence.  I, like many before me, face the challenge of trying to teach him to care for himself and to be there to pick him up and dust him off when he makes mistakes. Death however makes us want to hold them close forever and never sleep again. We want to be in their lives 24/7 and keep them safe.

So to get back to my original question--has diabetes become more deadly? Probably not but it is still no less scary and no less deadly.  Diabetes DOES kill despite those who think otherwise.  The fear is real and, while possibly magnified by the internet, the danger is still present. The answer? We need a cure.  Its sadly that simple. Until there is a cure, we will continue to hover and pray.  We will lean on each other in a way not available to generations before.  We will learn from each other and move forward but we will never forget those that we have lost....

For Eilish, for Paul, and for too many others.

In the month of November, http://www.diabetesadvocacy.com/ is planning on creating a memorial to those we have lost.  We will place names and/or photos of those who fought diabetes but are no longer with us. If you know someone who has lost their battle with diabetes, please email their name and/or a picture to us at advocacy@diabetesadvocacy.com and let people know how deadly diabetes really is.

Thank you.

Zombies Really are Scary!

I woke up unusually refreshed and knowing that it was time to test.  I glanced at the clock at saw that it was 2am as I headed out across the hall.  I was shocked when I saw that in the next room was a young man sitting up in his bed. 

"What are you doing awake?" 
No response.  He was staring at the blinking blue light on the floor coming from his video game system.

"What are you watching?"
Again, no response.

Okay, what the heck is going on here? I grabbed the meter from his dresser and prepared for the worst. 

He finally mumbled something unintelligible and laid down.

I tried to breathe.  I grabbed his hand and felt that it was cold and damp.  That could not be good. As I lanced his finger, the blood was slow to come out.  In our world that is a sure sign that he is low.  When he is high the blood pours out like water but when he's low it seems more thick and hard to test.

I waited those five seconds for the reading. (Have I mentioned how much I love the improved technology over the past ten years?)  He was low.  Off to get the juice. The straw touched his lips and he began to drink.  Thank heavens for small miracles. 

I headed off to read for 15 minutes or so while waiting to see if he would go up.  He did but not enough for me to feel comfortable.  A little more sugar before my sleep. 

The next morning he remembered nothing. To him it was funny...and in an odd way it was.  He was like something from a Halloween horror movie and in any other context it might have been amusing.  Since we were dealing with diabetes and a low though I didn't find it quite as amusing. 

Can Diabetes please move to Pluto so we can have some peace?

I am tired. I am done. I would like Diabetes to kindly pack its bags and take the first space shuttle to Pluto.  It can start walking now and meet it when the shuttle is leaving.  I had suggested it could go to Mars, but my friend Pam suggested that a non-planet such as Pluto would be much more fitting. Who was I to argue?

I am just a tired Mom of a joyous teen with diabetes.  Don't get me wrong, my kid could be way worse.  He has an attitude twenty times his size when he is high but we will keep him for most of the rest of the time. 

Yesterday was day one of the new regime...Mom texting and son texting readings back.  It was a partial success. First reading came in without prompting. I was shocked, amazed and impressed.  Lunch time arrived and no word.  I texted, and I texted, and I texted.  Finally after school I got a reply! I was not happy.  On the upside, he had remembered to do all of his tests. I said I was happy with that. I had data to work with.

He came home high but after some activity and insulin, he was back to his human self.  We were looking forward to a positive day two.  I told him that if he sent me the readings, which I would still verify when he got home, then I would not text him.  He thought that was great and a new deal with struck.

It was soon time for me to head to bed so I checked on my child--readings were good and he was soon to fall asleep himself.  I had been reading and was about to take my book to bed with me when I changed my mind and put it on the kitchen table.  The sane part of me said that I would probably read a bit with my tea in the morning. The skeptical part of me said "Well, if he is low during the night I won't have to hunt around for my book while I am waiting for him to come up!"  I quickly brushed away the skeptic's comments and crawled into my cozy bed.

I had just fallen asleep it seemed when Mother Nature called. How could I need to use the washroom already? It was only 1am.  Should I do a test? I would probably wake at around 3 or 4 anyway.  I was up though so perhaps it was best to go ahead and test while I was at it. Extra data is always a good thing and with that I headed in to do my Mom job.

I looked at the meter after the reading registered and shook my head.  What the heck? I know that everything happens for a reason but...what the heck? He was low.  How did that happen? Did I really know it was going to happen and that's why my book was ready for me? How does my body always seem to know when to wake up? When will my son's body do this for us?

So many questions....and so much time to ponder and come up with more. It took me over an hour to get him in a range that allowed me to sleep.  On the upside, I got a lot of my book read. On the downside, I tossed and turned for another hour or two before I could fall asleep. I was exhausted when I got up to get my son off to school. I wanted nothing more than sleep. Real, honest to goodness sleep. Was that too much to ask for? Diabetes hadn't gone to Pluto but it had gone to school with my child so maybe it was possible? Nope.  After less than an hour, despite my fiance telling me I really should just stay in bed and sleep, I was up with a great desire to sleep but no ability. 

Imagine how patient that made me for day 2 of the new regime? The first reading arrived.  He was high again. Crap! I waited for the next reading, and I waited. I texted him to remind him. Nothing. I texted him and told him to test period. Nothing.  Finally I got a reply. "I forgot to test. I will test before and after gym though."  He is supposed to test before and after gym! Ugh! When he got home there was no yelling.  I was frustrated and tired. What the heck were we going to do? He swore he would do better and hey, he did remember to test before gym.  Okay, I gave him that.

It will soon be bedtime for me again. I am truly hoping I can get some sleep. Basal rates are changed.  Carb to insulin ratios have been altered.  I need sleep.  There is only so much foundation that one can put under their eyes without looking like they are practicing putting on their Halloween make up! It would really be so much easier if Diabetes would kindly move to Pluto.