Friday, November 18, 2011

Sleepless with Diabetes

Diabetes has lived in my house for more than 11 years and 8 months.  During that time (and for a number of years before), I have never slept through the night. I wake up at least once but more often multiple times through the night each and everyone of those nights. whether my son is at home or not.
Each time that I wake up I run through a gamut of emotions... Holy crap! What's wrong? Do I need to test? Is there something going on that I am missing? Should I get up? What time is it? I must need to test!
As well as... do you have any idea what time it is? You went to sleep less than an hour ago! Are you insane? Get some sleep! He just tested before he went to bed and that was only 20 minutes ago.  Roll over.  Sleep for another hour or two maximum and then test him.  At that point it will be okay.  He is alright. Close your eyes and shut down your mind. Enjoy the break!
Are you serious? What if he is low and I missed it? What if????
Go to sleep.
At that point, I will usually sleep for another hour or so and then am woke up by much of the same dialogue and mounting anxiety.  This time it is more of a "get your butt out of bed.  You wanted to be woken up, you were, now deal with it!". 
I crawl out of my warm bed because I know that I will stress myself if I stay there any longer. I stumble into my son's room, wonder where the light is and then pause as I watch his bed.  Just as I did when my boys were sleeping in their cribs, I watch.  I hold my breath until I see his chest rise or hear him snore. If he rolls over as I walk in the door, my heart is set at ease...until I test him.
No matter what the result is though, I do have some peace.  My son is alive.  He is okay.  Diabetes did not win.  I am doing my job. We will make it through another night...I think.
For some reason, the past few nights when I have woke for the fifth time in four hours, I have ached for the too many other parents who were doing the same thing.  I have been grateful for the parents who do not have this experience.  I have longed for the day when I don't have to wake and worry...whether my son is with me or not.  I longed for the day when it is safe for him to well as me.

1 comment:

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