Another Corner Turned

The weekly bg reading review that I had dictated in September has long gone by the wayside. I occasionally ask about readings on the phone or over text conversations but I try to keep it to a minimal.  If my son gets into real trouble, he calls or texts me with his SOS.  Diabetes care is remaining in the periphery of our relationship as he strives to make it on his own. We still talk about care and I still like to know what is going on but I think I truly have turned a corner in my new role and acceptance of it.

A couple of weeks ago, I suggested that we have a phone conversation about his readings in the coming days.  My son told me that he had an upcoming appointment with his CDE.  I then suggested that we wait until after the appointment and then we could discuss what was or wasn’t done and see how we felt about it.

My son thought that was a great idea and we set our new date to chat.  Last week that day arrived.  I knew that my son’s readings had been uploaded by his educator (my son has managed to lose two cables for his pump and I feel bad contacting our rep for a third one). I went online to see what the readings looked like.

As I opened the screen I laughed and laughed.  There were a lot of boluses and insulin cartridge fills but I only saw two readings. I laughed some more! For a change, it was not me who got to look at no data and try to sort things out. It wasn’t me to go…”What gives?” only to be told that he had used other meters but didn’t have them with him. This was not my problem.  I laughed some more
.
It felt good to have that burden lifted. Whether there were or were not readings, I was not the one who would bang their head in frustration and begin the tedious task of trying to track down information. The smile remained on my face.

Later that evening I called my son and we discussed his appointment.  It had gone well. He had readings on a different meter and the two of them had discussed the area my son knew was a problem.  My son was pleased that he wasn’t told what to do but asked his opinion on the problem.  Suggestions were made by both parties and my son left happy.

Mom wasn’t needed.  For a change, that felt okay.  My son was happy. He had made his own decisions. He had been able to talk to someone about his care and share his knowledge. It was a win-win situation as far as I could tell.

I will still call and talk readings. I will still be here to troubleshoot and to cheer from the sidelines but my son really is taking charge. He can do this. I always knew he could but the fact that he is doing it makes me feel a bit better…well for today anyway.

Do not clean with soap and water

Today my phone went in for a cleaning. It wasn’t supposed to be cleaned but somehow it stayed in my pocket when the item I had been wearing before my shower went in to be washed.  Something told me to check my pockets before tossing it in soap and water but in my morning fog I forgot.  A little while later, in a bit more of a panic, I checked the now wet pockets. Nothing in the first pocket! Perhaps I was safe.  I checked the submerged pocket…it was heavy.  That could be water weighing it down…Or it could be my phone.  Crap!

I began drying my phone, watching the screen flicker, wondering what I will have lost this time since I hadn’t backed it up, and finally pulling the battery and sticking it in a bag of rice.
I am not sure if my phone will survive. Part of me says, “Yes it will! I caught it early. There wasn’t much dampness in it. It will be fine!” Another part says, “Dude you are screwed! There was some sort of red dye that I wiped off when I was drying it. I am guessing that is one of those markers that tell manufacturers that it was submerged. This is not good. ”

Yes, I wanted a new phone. My phone has been acting weird and basically annoying me for months but I want the latest iPhone. I don’t want the current version when a new one will be out a few months after this one. I don’t want to pay for a phone this month that in two months will be free because it is now the older generation.

I won’t get ahead of myself. For now, I remain phone-less for at least the next 24 hours. That feels weird. I have had a cell phone for 14 years now.  It was an essential part of our life with diabetes. It allowed me to be away from home and still in reach of my children or any adult supervising my children. It allowed teachers to call and ask me a question whether I was at home or in a meeting or grocery shopping.

As we learned to text, it allowed my youngest son to send me messages about bg levels or issues he was having when he was away from me.  It allowed me to keep track of what was going on with his diabetes care no matter where either of us were.

Being phone-less means that I can’t do any of these things…at least not as easily.  Previously this situation would have thrown me into complete chaos.  While I am going through personal withdrawals because I like to text someone when I am thinking of them, it is not the catastrophe that I would have once thought it was.

There is a land line that people can reach me on if a life threatening issue arises. I have access to email and online accounts if someone needs to reach out.  I may not answer these questions while I am shopping or running errands but I will get to them at one point.
I am not panicked because my kids cannot immediately call or text.  They can still contact me. They can take care of most issues on their own…even the diabetes related ones.  That is scary! It’s not scary that they can handle things, its scary that I have reached a point that I know that they can! They are not just growing up but I am learning to let them fly!  

It still feels very weird not having my phone (and it has only been two hours!) but it is equally wonderful to know that my kids are okay on their own.  I no longer have to be there to walk them through emergency site changes or trouble shoot a high. My youngest has got this…most of the time and for those other times, well, we will talk about it when we get the chance. 

Back Away from the Pump. Its NOT your toy

At the end of August, my son got a new pump. We had been lovers of the Cozmo pump for over 10 years.  It physically hurt to have to put it away but with no warranty and a child living hundreds of miles away, it seemed best to make sure that he had a pump with a company still behind it if he had any issues.

 

We both shed a few tears as we put his beloved "Lean Green Pumping Machine" in a box and brought out his new pump.  When we sat down with his pump trainer, the trainer dealt with my son. Mom stayed in the background.  The trainer talked to him when going through how it worked. My son is too big for me to hover over his shoulder so again, I just sat back and let him learn. It felt a little strange.

 

After she left, he let me touch the remote bolus and test drive it a bit.  Soon though, it was hands off. I could touch it at night if he was out of range but that was it. I had not other reason to use it. If there was a change to be made, he did it. If there was a site change to be done, he did it.

 

As time went on, I used the pump less and less and I began to put it out of my mind. This was not my new toy to check out. It was his.  When we had a problem, I grabbed the manual to help him figure out where to go but again, I checked a book while he was six steps ahead of me navigating through the pump screen itself.

 

It has been five and a half months since my son started on his new pump and now I can barely figure out how to bolus him with it. On the other hand, he has no problem making corrections, adjustments or anything else required.

 

A few weeks ago, a friend and I were talking about new pumps for our kids. Her child is also holding strong to her Cozmo but they know that a new pump needs to happen sooner rather than later. I casually told the mother not to be concerned about the pump that her child goes on next because she won't be playing with it. It will be her child's pump and Mom doesn't need to know how to operate it.

 

She thanked me.  We have been so used to handling everything, checking out each device, and learning on an ongoing basis that as parents, we can forget that this isn't our disease. When our children were 2, 3 or 5, this was our disease no matter what anyone else said. Now that our children are 16, 17 or 20 we have very little input.  We have been relegated to the sidelines whether we wanted to be or not.  We can make suggestions. We can nag a little but our children are now young adults who will do what they feel is best. The only thing we can now hope for is that some of what we have taught them along the way has found a home in their own thought processes. It's a huge step but we can all do this with one foot in front of the other...and back away from the pump. 

Another Day, Another Feather Left Behind

The tree is down.  The Christmas decorations are put away for another year.  The house is a little bit more quiet now without the steady banter of two young men and the constant opening of the fridge.  My children were home for a week and it still surprises me how much I miss them when they are gone.

 

In one week I crammed in as much mom stuff as I could.  There was providing them with food that they love, doing their laundry and sitting around enjoying conversations.  We watched the latest Hobbit movie together and all huddled around watching to see our cousin’s name in the credits.

 

There was the other stuff that moms take care of too like a stop at the bank to fix issues on both children’s bank accounts.  There was a call to a meter company to replace the iBGstar that my son refuses to part with even though the display was not working properly. There was also the purchase of the small things needed to make life run just a little smoother that only Mom would think of.

 

It was a busy week.  We quickly fell into the routine of Mom doing more testing and helping with carb counts.  I later wondered if I should have offered to do everything for one day to give my son a complete break. I realized quickly that the idea would not possibly work given his current eating habits. He eats 24/7. I would not be able to keep up. It was much easier to offer carb counts and test while he slept in.

 

Despite delays caused by Mother Nature, my boys have returned to their other home.  They are slowly getting back into their routine and I am slowly returning to mine.  I still smile however when I see those loose “feathers” in the strangest places.  There is a test strip on the floor in my office where they spent hours catching up on the latest season of Sons of Anarchy.  There is a piece of an infusion set sitting on a table in the living room. How it managed to end up there is beyond me but there is sits waiting to be used…or find a garbage can.

 

My new role in my son’s life still leaves me feeling off balance and unsure at times. I continue worry and sometimes feel guilty because I no longer have to think about diabetes 24/7.  That is how life goes.  We teach our children and then one day have to step back and pray that they have absorbed some of what we have given them…and remember that we are their for them when the stumble or just need a shoulder to lean on. 

Back in the Saddle

Diabetes moved away September first of last year.  Sadly this also means that my son did as well. It has been a struggle for me. I have had to adjust to a new role and honestly, I am not always sure what exactly that role is.  I am a hands on Mom and being a mom from a distance has always been a challenge but with a soon to be 20-year-old living in another province, I am slowly learning.

 

With the Christmas holidays, I got to be a hands on mom again! It was wonderful to have both of my boys with me. There was baking to eat, meals to prepare and even the odd bit of chauffeuring to be done. It was great.

 

There was also reminding about bg checks, counting carbs and doing site changes.  Diabetes was back as well. I was worried that I wouldn’t wake up for night-time tests but I did with no problem.  I would easily wake numerous times during the night and get up and check on my youngest son. I knew that he most likely was not testing a lot during the nights on his own so I decided to help him out. I woke every 2-4 hours and tested to give us some great data to look at.

 

Since my son was here, there was no need for a Wednesday night phone call or waiting for him to upload data.  I have a cable here, as well as his pump and meter.  We could sit down together and discuss the many highs because of the constant eating.  We could talk about basal versus bolus and see what may or may not need tweaking.

 

With each night test and each dead test strip, I felt grateful.  It seemed weird to walk into his room and test, knowing how many nights I hated doing just that.  This time it was a privilege. I was helping my son. I was giving him a break and keeping him safe while he was under my roof. I wondered if his wife will one day help him this way? I have no idea. He told me that he has a girlfriend now. I wonder what she knows about his care? Knowing how private my son is, I am guessing that she knows next to nothing. That’s okay for now.  When she is important to his life and worthy of his deeper affection, she will learn.

 

Until then, I will test him at night when he is with me. I will be surprised how quickly we both fall back into old routines. I will remain amazed how quickly time flies and how much my children have matured. I will be grateful for the ability and the opportunity to help my son if only in small ways now. 

It's Not My Disease?

We are constantly told as parents of children with diabetes to remember that this is not our disease.  When you are dealing with a toddler or a small child, it is really difficult to take this advice to heart.  A two year old cannot grasp what is going on in their bodies. It is Mom and Dad’s burden.  The challenge as parents, is to realize that while it was our burden, our children’s diabetes is not our disease.

 

Last week my son was having technical difficulties uploading his pump.  After many messages and much frustration on my part, I finally decided to ignore our weekly diabetes education session for a bit. I began to wonder if my son was on overload.  He had been to two different diabetes educators in a matter of weeks and had Mom calling him to discuss what was going on.

 

I began to think about taking a total break. Maybe I should just be letting the “experts” handle this. Perhaps it was time for Mom to just step away.  I was finding myself frustrated and angered when I wasn’t seeing enough data to make educated guesses about my son’s care.  Things were building up and I wondered if I was better just walking away for a bit. I began to think that he would have more peace and learn more if I just let it all be.

 

As my emotions churned and became more negative, I was hit by a thought. It literally felt like I was hit in the side of the head with a 2×4.  The  weight of this realization made me sit down and shake my head and wonder why it took me so long to “get it”.  I did not need all of that information.  The person who needed it had it–my son! My job was to ask him the right questions. My job was to guide him towards the answers but let him find his own solutions.

 

With that realization, a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I was no longer carrying the burden of an impossible task. I was now sharing, teaching, and supporting–doing my job as a parent.  It felt wonderful!

 

When I picked up the phone and began talking to my son, I asked him if he had the pump program open.  He was shocked.  Why did he need it? I suggested that he might want to see it so he could decide what needed to be done.

 

We then discussed the areas that he felt needed to be changed. I asked him what needed to be tweaked, a basal or a bolus ratio.  He said his carb to insulin ratio was perfect.  I asked him why.  ”Because the dietitian said so.”  I laughed and said that he needed to say so! We went through a process of establishing if she was right.  The next step was to decide when to make the change.  I pulled out my John Walsh book and quoted to him how to change a basal rate.  He then made the decision of when and how much of a change he would make.

 

I was proud of him.  I was proud of me.  We were both learning.  He was being empowered and it gave me a huge sense of relief.  This really is his disease. It my job to help him, encourage him and be there to help but at the end of the day only he can test, bolus and adjust. Its all up to him.

Psychic Connection?

The other night was night two of tossing and turning which in itself is not entirely unusual. This night was different though.  I was completely tired and ready to drop.

I had read a few pages of my book, done some relaxation exercises but sleep would not come.  After awhile anxiety began to creep in. I tossed and turned some more.  My mind began to take off on its own. There was no way to reel it back in.

I thought of my oldest son living up in Alberta.  Had he been injured at work? I would have heard if he had. I tried to shut my mind down again. I tossed and turned some more.  I thought of my youngest son. Was he testing at night? Was he in trouble? Had something happened? I again worked to calm myself down. Both boys, or someone around them, would have contacted me if there was a problem.  I was being foolish.  I was overtired. I had too much on the go. I had too much time on my hands.  There were a million reasons for me to be tossing and turning. Driving myself insane was in no way helping the situation. By 2am I finally fell asleep.

When I got up the next morning, I wondered if this had just been a reaction to so many years of interrupted sleep.  Was my body going through some sort of withdrawal? It has not slept through the night for any extended period in 20 years.  There was bound to be some issues at some point. I decided that I would try herbal tea with my book the next night.  All would be fine. My kids were still alive. No friends or family had been injured during the night. Obviously my anxiety was unwarranted. It was probably just my body being strange....and then I talked to my youngest son.

After a bit of chatter, I asked him how his readings were.  "Good except for last night. I was up all night because of a bad site.  I got it fixed though and was perfect during the day." BINGO! There was the source of my anxiety!  He was in trouble the night before.  Well not trouble, but you know what I mean.

I have spent almost 14 years somehow waking to most diabetes related events. I would wake at unexplained times when he was low or high.  Something would bring me out of a deep sleep and make me test him.  We have no CGM.  I just somehow often "knew".  Perhaps this knowing did not know distance?  I am not sure. Some people would say that I was crazy and this was just a coincidence.  It could be. I am not sure but I do know that I slept a little easier the next night.  Any tossing and turning  I experienced that night didn't have a higher level of anxiety attached.  As long as my son is also waking and dealing with things...well I will probably always worry and be concerned but hopefully I will find a level of calm. If I don't, I will text! 

New Challenges

Someone asked me to continue to update my experience has a mother of a teen with diabetes who is living elsewhere.  Let me say its a bigger challenge than having him live here!

There are definitely growing pains.  As a mom, I miss having my sons around me. I actually do wake up during the night and feel lost because there is no one to test or check on. I would gladly teleport myself to some of you sleep deprived parents but unfortunately the only things that I really can do is roll over and hope he is okay where he is.

My son on the other hand seems to be loving not having Mom hover over him and what teen wouldn’t? The rules are very different for him now and he is enjoying it to the extreme I am sure.  A friend reminded me recently that even when children are away from their parents and thinking about doing a certain behavior, often Mom or Dad’s voice is still nagging in the back of their head and they may be a bit more cautious because “what if Mom/Dad found out? They would kill me!” I hope this is the case with my boys…well you know that they continue to have some common sense because its not like I would really “kill” them exactly…

Obviously with a mom who likes to be hands on and get things done and a 16 year old who is loving being away from that, there are challenges. Oh are there challenges!!  Bringing my expectations down to a reasonable level is very, very difficult and in part only done with the help of great friends.

While we do text daily I make sure that diabetes is not often the topic of conversation. We talk like, school and diabetes if he has an issue that needs to be dealt with right away. We have however agreed to sit down and chat about diabetes specifically once per week. We chose Wednesday nights.

The first week this worked perfectly.  He uploaded his pump. I looked at the data, formed my questions and was able to be calm by the time we talked. All worked out really well. The next week I had to be away on the Wednesday so we chatted Tuesday. There were a few more issues. We spoke of what to do when type situations arose. It went okay.  This week, well its been three weeks. The shine was going to wear off of things right?

Yesterday I sent him a message reminding him of our “date”.  I told him to upload his pump when he got home from school so that I wouldn’t keep him up late. Last time he had had computer issues and it took forever to even look at the data. When he got home he sent me a message telling me that the remote for his pump still didn’t work. What??? Had he called the support people? Of course not.  He was waiting for Mom to do this. Mom agreed.

I told him to call me after his supper and we would call pump support. I would keep him on one phone and call the support people on the other so that I could ask him whatever they asked me.  I ate my supper and waited…and I waited…and I waited. It turned out that heading out with a friend for the night was way more important than Mom or a pump issue.  At 11:30pm I told him to take pictures of the back of the pump and the remote, send me details and I would deal with it in the morning. We would also talk pump the next afternoon BEFORE he got busy with other things.

After a bit of troubleshooting on my part, I got his remote working again.  There is definitely an issue so I am waiting for pump support to return my call.

Balancing 16 year old freedom, Mom control and Mom letting go is definitely difficult.  This may be one of the biggest challenges I have faced in a very, very long time.  Its a good thing I have a great relationship with my hairdresser. I may need a lot of hair color to get me through!

A reminder to myself. I may need to post it on a wall somewhere.

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My Diabetes Vacation

I'm back!!! Hopefully you enjoyed the stroll down memory lane while I was taking in the amazing beauty and history of Ireland. 

This trip was incredible for many reasons.  Obviously being in a country that is oozing history out of every pore was a dream come true for me. I love history. I spent a few years in university studying British history and this trip brought me back to a subject that I have always enjoyed. 

Another reason for it being incredible? I left Diabetes behind.  This was the very first time in twelve and a half years that Diabetes moved to the very, very back of the bus.  I kept in touch with my son about once per day.  Our conversations occasionally contained "What are your readings like?"  with his usual "Good" response. The amazing thing is that I never said "Good is not a number.  What is your reading?". 


I began the trip in my usual style. "Don't forget to reduce your overnight basal.  You were really active today."  
"Do we need to adjust that time we talked about or do you think the rates are okay?"


After a few days of enjoying the sights of Dublin and taking in a few local pubs, our conversations became more of "How's it going?"  and "What did you do today?" with only a small smattering of "How are your readings? Do we need to make any changes?" 

"The Brazen Head" The oldest pub in Dublin!

I have read that parents need to take a vacation away from diabetes. I have always felt it was important for my son to get any break he could now and then by me taking over bolusing, site changes, etc.  I often wish that I could do this for many others living with diabetes--give them a break when they have no one around who can.  I have never been able to give myself a vacation however. 


I am a mother. I worry. I wake up in the middle of the night prepared to test whether my son is with me or not. I look at meals and count the carbs.  I search for a meter two hours after a meal thinking that someone should be testing.  


On this trip, I still woke up in the middle of the night. I still wondered how my son's readings were going but it was not my most pressing concern. Getting up at 6am, being ready for the bus, figuring out where our next stop would be, how I would fit everything into our luggage and where the best Irish coffee was made moved to the forefront of my brain.  I never looked for a carb count until I ate a cookie on the final plane ride home.  

This picture was right side up but after a few coffee...

I will go through my son's pump and meter with a fine tooth comb when he comes home but while I was away?  It was something that I would deal with later. 




So my advice to all the parents out there? When your child goes to camp, spends a week with Grandma or goes away with their other parent for a period of time--ENJOY! Let go.  If only once.  Take your own vacation.  You have earned it.  As others told me, you have taught your child well so let them fly a little on their own. You are still there to fix any scrapes but the break will do you both good...speaking from experience!  

One Thing to Improve

Today's prompt asks  us to come up with one thing that you could improve on...and maybe start today!

One thing? That is so hard to narrow down.  I think that there are a lot of things that I could improve on.

I could be a better advocate.  I could be dedicating more hours each day to the task and working harder to see more successes.

I could put even more hours into my website and blog.  I would keep things even more updated and spectacular than they are now.  Links would be fresh and new. Articles would be engaging and I would catch the attention of more advertisers allowing me the financial resources to fully devote myself to these first two shortfalls.

More realistically the biggest thing I that I think I need to improve on is my son's diabetes care.  I find it terribly difficult to balance between being on his case all of the time, monitoring, logging, trending, and tweaking versus allowing him the freedom to do his own thing and make his own mistakes.

I am trying to let him fall on his own more often.  I try to look at readings once a week and then calmly discuss them. I try not to completely freak when readings are not there that should be.  I make him count his own carbs most days and discuss his results compared to mine.

I still don't worry about him testing at night. That remains my job.  I still look for the best technology for him. His only interest in technology is getting an iPhone or the latest game for his Xbox--although he does appreciate a good meter!

When he makes mistakes, I take them to heart. I get upset because I feel that I have failed more than him.  I need to let that go.  Its hard. Its hard to watch our children stumble at any time. Perhaps we could have taught them better. Perhaps....

I have to learn to let go and then accept what happens and allow both of us to learn from it. It will come...one day.



They did it!

Last week I suddenly had to fly out of the province for an unknown amount of time. My brain was mush. I didn't know what to pack or what instructions to leave behind. I double checked with Larry to ensure that he would be okay with my youngest son's diabetes care until I got back.  I then went to my son and told him that I had to leave.  They both fully understood the emergency.

I went over everything one last time with my son.  I explained all of the tasks that he would have to step up and do for the next few days.  Suddenly he looked at me in complete horror.

"I will have to make my own breakfast!?"

Yes.

"I will have to make my own lunch!?" he asked, with fear growing in his voice.

Yes.

"I will have to get myself up and test during the night? You mean every night? Until you get back?" I could see that he was weighing the benefits of packing himself in my suitcase versus staying home.

I explained that Larry had agreed to get up each night, make sure he was up and testing. He would be fine. I would be back. He could handle this. He was fourteen.  

He looked at me like he was not exactly sure but again, he understood that this was extreme circumstances and he had to do his best.

I arrived back home on Monday, exhausted, drained, and somewhat at peace.  I had spent close to a week with family, sharing stories, memories and lots of love. I had told my son that he must be overjoyed to have me home because he no longer had to worry about his own meals and testing!

"Actually, having Larry around was almost like having you here but he fed me more.  He made me lunches and had my breakfast on the table each morning. The only difference is that with you home I can finally sleep through the night again!"

Well its nice to know I was missed...a little!

I waited a day to go through his readings for two reasons...first I was tired and second, I didn't want it to be my main focus. I had let him fly on his own.  He was alive when I came home. The nitty gritty details could wait.

Last night we sat down to look at the highs and lows of the week.  I must say that I was quite impressed.  There were mistakes.  There was a low at 3am that was rechecked at 10am.  Not good but he was okay.  There was a test at 5pm with no two hour after test until 11pm.  In all honesty though, virtually every other test was there, including tests while he was off on a quad ride for a day. That was great. 

The week went quite well for a man with no diabetes knowledge until we moved into his home, a teen who would really rather pretend that diabetes does not exist and lives to have Mom do as much as he can con her into doing, and a Mom who was physically out of the area dealing with grief and unable to really focus on diabetes when she was five time zones away. 

I am so grateful that they were able to take over at a time when I simply could not be the pancreas I have been.

One out of two is a start!

Saturday night I woke up to test my son. He was a little high so I made a correction and went back to bed.  A few hours later I woke up and he was still high.  Again, he wasn't "really" high but his bg levels had not dropped as I would have expected after the correction. I made another correction and waited for my son to get up.

When he woke, I told him that I thought he should change his site. He had been high despite a correction. He said that he disagreed.  "I am high because there was a blockage and I fixed it."

"What do you mean there was a blockage? When? You fixed it how?"

"Last night, at four in the morning. There was a blockage in the tubing but I fixed it."

"Last night, at FOUR in the morning YOU woke up and fixed a problem with your pump?"

"Yeah, I heard the alarm and woke up and fixed it."

"YOU heard the alarm? YOU woke up??" 

"Yeah, I woke up. I got it fixed. No problem."

Yes,  as you can tell I was completely stunned. He would sleep through a nuclear holocust! He woke up to an alarm on his pump without it electrocuting him? Was my son growing up? Was he becoming responsible? Could he really wake up from an alarm all on his own?

Short answer? No.  The next night, we seemed to have had the same problem. He was high. I corrected. Later that morning I corrected again. This time the blockage alarm happened while I was there. I woke him up and made him change his site.  He was happily sleeping through the alarms. 

Oh well, baby steps. He has at least woke up once for an alarm.  That in itself borders on a Christmas miracle!

No this is not my son but he was just too cute not to add!

Pancreatic Dynamic Duo

What was your reading?

8.1 (145ish).

Two hours after you ate...I did a great job as a pancreas this morning!

What? Who?? You? Excuse me, but I did a great job!

How do you figure that one? I calculate the bolus. I figure the carb to insulin ratio. I establish the basals and this morning I got it right.

But I push the buttons! If I didn't bolus I wouldn't be in range would I? That means that I am the good pancreas.

He had me there! You've got to love the logic and the validity of the argument!! "Okay WE make an awesome pancreas."  

He was okay with that but still felt that he deserved the bulk of the credit. I pray that one day he will take all of the credit and still will be doing a great job.  At that point I will know that he paid attention and learned well.  

For now? Well together we can be a pretty good pancreatic team! Despite the complaints, the grumbles and the missed tests, working together for the past three months we have again managed to keep his A1c under 7% and brought it down three points from the summer when he does the bulk of his own diabetes care.  Very proud momma...aka the other half of my son's external pancreas :)

A Diabetes Vacation

Technically I am on a diabetes vacation.  There is no night time testing. There is no carb counting or yelling out "did you test?".  There are not even any text messages asking "What is your bg level?" The phone smashing to the floor of McDonald's and never recovering took care of that one.

My son is visiting his brother and his father. He is now in charge of his care.  This does not make my life as carefree as it sounds. I sit here, hundreds of miles away from him, and worry, think and wonder what he is doing. Is he testing? Did you change that site? Does he have a new cartridge in? How are his readings going? Has he been low? How high have his highs been?

I do try to not think of diabetes 24/7.  I have tried to limit my worry and let him enjoy his time away. Before I dropped him off, there were numerous pep talks. There were a lot of reminders. After a bit he said, "Mom, this is me you are talking about.  How can you think that I wouldn't test or remember these things?"

Um, perhaps because I live with you!

While we wait for me to have the chance to switch his phone over to another model and mail it to him, its messages through his brother and daily phone calls when he gets up to go over readings. I would love him to call twice a day but this is where Mom has been good. He needs his space.  He needs to do his thing.  Mom has to wait...and I have.

We have had calls that consist of...
"7.8 at 10pm, 13.1 at midnight, 4.0 at 3 am, etc."  but we have also had calls that were "Yeah, I was a bit high but I ate that bread and messed up the bolus."  Followed by, "okay we will go over specifics on another day when you have a bit of time.  Have fun! Love you!"

The vacation is tough. Its strange having no children and no diabetes.  Its great to be able to rollover at night but there is a lot of prayers at the same time. If I woke up was there a reason? Did he wake as well? Is someone watching over him? So far, yes to all of the above.  He has been doing well with his care and is great at calling.  The honeymoon may wear off and teen forgetfulness may creep back in but only fourteen more days.  Soon enough I will be back to complaining about sleepless nights once again!

Diabetes Holiday Sequel...or More Grey Hair

My son is now safely tucked back in front of his XBox.  My night-testing holiday is over and not a moment too soon! I haven't looked at his log book yet.  I don't have an idea of how much testing he did (or did not do) while he was gone. I don't know what bolus errors were (or were not) made.  None of that matters. Having a child with diabetes away from your watchful eye is stressful in itself.

My son enjoyed his time at his father's.  He caught up with friends, met new family members and enjoyed a short visit with his older brother.  Mom should have enjoyed not having to get up at 3 am each night but here or not, my body would not sleep through the night. I was awake as much or more with him being gone.  Last night I was awake more than ever when logic suggests that I should have been savouring that last full night's sleep until Easter holidays.  Not me! I wrote this blog.  I did errands.  I worked on my website...all in my mind of course but I never shutdown until it was time to leave for the airport this morning!

I did enjoy the time that my other son was here with us.  It was great having him around again even if it was only for a few days.  He is a young man now but he will always be my little boy.  He headed back to school with reminders that phones do work for more than texting your girlfriend.  He also left with a message for his younger brother...contact your mother!

My youngest seems to have developed selective phone service.  Text messages and phone calls from Mom don't always get through for some reason.  This first started not long after he arrived at his father's.

"How are things going?"
"K"
"How are your readings?"
"I was high"
"Do we need to make changes?"
"Changed my site"
"So are things better now?"
......
.......
"So are things better now?"
"K"
"What is K?"
"Yep"
"Yep to what??? Are you still high?"
"Nope"

And so the conversations continued. I would call or text. I would get one word answers that left me more confused than relieved.  He swears that his log book is done.  He was low this afternoon already.  Hopefully reading his log book will give me a sigh of relief because he did test, he did bolus, he did log.  I can dream, hope, pray!

Diabetes has left the building...but will I survive?

The other night I got up and for a change I didn't first lay in my bed wishing that I didn't have to get up.  This night I woke up, pulled myself out of bed and felt almost sad that this would be my last night test for a few days.

My son has gone to his father's home for a few days over Christmas.  On the plus side for me (besides not having to get up and test) is that his brother will be home with me for a few days while he is gone. The downside is that I worry.  I am a mom.  I am sure its in the job description.  I am a mom of a child with diabetes--I worry a little more than normal.

Yesterday as he packed, all of his diabetes supplies were in his suitcase and carry on. He only had two pairs of underwear and one pair of socks BUT he had all of his diabetes supplies! I was impressed that he had his priorities straight.  I packed his log sheets and reminded him that he has a doctor's appointment the day after he comes home so his sheets had better be in tip-top shape. 

I guess I did not hide my fears of him going well. My fiance said that I was a wreck.  My son told me to relax and think about it as if he was just going to a sleep-over...and then got in a car accident! Well, you see a sleep-over would mean he would be home the next day but if he was in a car accident, he would be in the hospital a bit and delayed. Funny but that did not make me feel any better!

I worry that he will fall into old habits and testing will be something that is only done when he feels low.  I worry that he won't test at night.  I am nervous about him not bolusing. Yes, I know he has to be allowed to go and do his own thing but when he leaves my nagging...I mean my gentle reminders, he tends to pretend that diabetes doesn't exist any more.  That scares me.

His readings were perfect before he left.  Now you know that scares me as well.  You may be thinking that I am nuts but he was perfect here with testing, accurate bolusing and Mom knowing activity levels and bedtimes.  He is now out of my sight and beyond.  He will be up until all hours visiting.  He will be off in the country enjoying the fresh air.  His activity level will be different.  His carb counting will be different....my nerves!! Again, I am reminded by the stable force in my life that I will be in constant contact with my child.  I will be calling and texting. I will be asking for readings and making changes if needed.  He is only gone for six days.  He is only gone for six days...yes I am trying to calm myself.

He will be fine. He will amaze me.  He will be on his own, remember what he has been taught and will impress me completely.  I hope so.  I need to focus on the little bit of time I have with my oldest son and try to enjoy the ability to roll back over at 3am when I wake up but don't have to test for a few days.

Passing the reigns

Where does the time go? Its amazing how far we have come. Last year at this time, Liam was finally doing his first site changes. As you may remember, his doctor had ordered him to be doing this by his fall visit. The day before the said visit, he finally changed his site by himself. Now its old hat unless trying to insert in certain parts of his arms. At that point he tends to yell for Mom. He also tends to ask before jabbing a well used area.

At Liam's fall visit, his doctor said that he had to take more control of his diabetes. He had to begin logging and looking at what is going on. Mom was terrified. He is so young to have all of this responsibility. What was the doctor thinking? He was thinking that it is better for Liam to make mistakes and learn now while Mom is there to hover over him than to make those same mistakes when he is off at university and Mom is nowhere to be seen. It made sense.

I am amazed and impressed at how well he is doing. Liam is not a big logger and I am sure that when this is completely up to him, he will never log another thing again. Mom is a big logger so until he is on his own he will log. Ah the power!

It is interesting to see him log though because I am seeing how much he has learned and understands. His log from this weekend for instance shows some major highs after a meal. He went up to the 20s (360+) and there is a note that says "forgot to add in syrup for pancakes". I loved that he took the initiative to look around and see "why" was he so high and found a solution! My baby is growing up.

Before making any changes now, I also have him sit down with me. I try to do this at least once a week. We sit out his charts, I highlight the highs or lows, and then I ask Liam what he thinks. Do we adjust a basal rate or should we make a bolus change? He is usually pretty good about knowing what to do. We are even getting to the point of learning when the basal rate needs to be changed.

This entire concept still blows my mind--having a twelve year old responsible for so much. It scares me and then I realize that he has been watching all of this for almost ten years now. This has been his life. He has been learning for years. He has known since he was toddling around and trying to steal strawberries from the fridge that all of his food needed to be weighed and measured. He knows the carb factors for many foods and now has the scale and calculator handy every time he steals a cookie off of the counter.

We have come a long way. I never thought we would see a day when he could steal a cookie at anytime and eat it. Thank heavens for rapid acting insulin! He is in many ways a normal pre-teen. He is forgetful. He eats me out of house and home. He is special in many ways however. He has a lot to remember in his forgetfulness. He has to take over where his body has failed him. He must provide his cells with insulin. He must remember to test to keep himself in good shape. It is not an easy life but to watch him for the most part its nothing. Its amazing.

Letting go

This has been the strangest school year for me. Liam's teacher quit the day before school started. He now has a substituted until the position is filled. I struggled to know what to send to school regarding information and what to ask for in regards to Liam's care.

Liam has spent most of the summer doing his own care. He has been in charge of bolusing, testing, counting carbs, and changing sites. It has given both of us our freedom but being twelve he still forgets things. When he was home, Mom could remind him here and there and check on things. How would I handle this at school with a new teacher? Would I ask for someone to continue to hover over him or should I let him fly or fall on his own accord?

I have opted for the fly or fall approach and I am wondering if it was the right choice. I sent the teacher of the day a two paged letter on Liam's care. It tells him when Liam should be testing, how he responds when high or low, and what the teacher needs to be aware of. I have not gone in to really speak with this teacher...mind you I know him and he has taught Liam before. I am really struggling with how much to let go and how much to control. I guess its learning to guide rather than doing it all and boy its not easy!

I realized this the other day when grocery shopping. I know grocery shopping? But as I was cruising through the aisles a woman said hello to me. I was not paying attention and didn't notice her until our carts were side by side. She is a provincial minister and a lady that I have dealt with for a number of years on various diabetes related issues. She asked me how Liam was doing and what grade he was in now. I told her that he was in grade 7 and he was doing well. Mom on the other hand was having troubles letting go and knowing how much freedom to allow him. We chatted for a bit and then both went on our way.

Afterwards I began to further question what sort of accommodations does a child of his age need? Life is very different now than it was when he was six. He can handle his pump, make care decisions, and total his carbs in a blink. When he is low or high however, his judgement is still impaired. The danger of these situations have not changed and maybe they have become worse as he now "thinks" he can handle many of them without help.

I know that this is only the beginning. I know that my job has been and will continue to be, to be a teacher. I also realize that I have done a pretty good job so far. His decisions are not always what I would do. He has a more laid back attitude but its his disease, its his body. His results are what counts and the little rat somehow always manages to make good decisions.

I will continue to educate. I will continue to advocate. Liam will continue to grow and take over the care of his body and his disease.