Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Dear Diabetes

Dear Diabetes;
I am done. Finished. Resigning.
We have been doing this dance for 13+ years now and instead of getting easier it's getting worse.
My son is now almost 16 years old.  I can no longer keep him safe and with me at all times. I can no longer do all of his testing, carb counting, and bolusing. I have to let him go off on his own and stumble (or even fall) and I HATE IT!!
I have already done this "letting go" thing with my first son. I get that. He chose to live with his father for his last two years of school. I learned how to parent from a distance.  I learned how to let go a bit more when he moved across the country a few months ago.  It was hard but I understood it was/is part of life with children. 
I worried when he started to drive and got his first car.  I survived the call that said “Mom, I was in a car accident. I wrote off my car.” I made it through the phone call that said “I was out drinking with friends at a festival. We got separated and these guys jumped me.”  I was okay with the calls to pick him up the next morning because he had been out drinking all night, celebrating the end of his course, and had passed out at a friend’s house. These are all things that can happen when we have children. They are part of our lives as parents.
Diabetes, you change the rules and the level of worry.  I worry about my son with diabetes anytime he is away from me. I know that he will try to pretend that you don’t exist. He will skip testing. He will bolus for some of his food but will try no carb food to avoid drawing attention to himself and his pump. He will do his best to appear "normal" to his friends and will treat you as if you are not even there.
When he comes back after time away, instead of simply reliving his adventures, I am stuck dwelling on missed bg tests, high readings and diabetes care neglect. I feel panic levels rising as I know what damage you can bring Diabetes.  I know how dangerous you can be when neglected. I try to remind him.   I know that he wants to forget though. For those few days when he is away, I almost get to forget but he can’t. You are too dangerous, Diabetes.
He is now at an age when I have to worry about drug and alcohol experimentation.  The worry goes up ten fold because you are there.  Diabetes, you are not a helpful friend. You are an insidious enemy ready to further sabotage his attempts at stretching his wings and experiment with life. I am lucky.  My son has not showed a lot of interest in wild parties and such behaviour but thanks to you, I have a hard time focusing on how lucky I am.  I am forced to fret over how you are impacting his life when I am not there to stand guard and act as a buffer.
Diabetes, we have been doing this dance for a long time.  You jab, I duck.  You hit, I push back.  I have been forced to demand things of my second son that I never did of his brother.  “Did you bring your meter? You are NEVER to leave the house without it! This is non-negotiable.”
“Did you remember to bolus for that food when you were out? How many carbs did you figure for it? Did you factor in the activities that you had been doing before/after?” 
“Is that a new site? Make sure its secure before you start swimming.  Do you have a spare just in case? You may need more than one. Make sure you have someone to watch over your supplies.”
These are all conversations that have been had with my son since he was old enough to head off on outings without me.  His brother has never had to worry about the fat or calories in his meals.  He has never had to carry anything beyond his cell phone in order to stay safe and alive. 
Diabetes, you have robbed us.  You have stolen my son’s innocence. We have been cheated out of a carefree lifestyle.  You have made us both worry and obsess over his health when he should be concerned with looking good for this week's love interest, not worrying about his blood pressure. 
Diabetes, I have had enough.  Really, I am done. Please move on to a rock or some other inanimate object.  People don’t get you and even those of us who have been forced to...well, we are just tired of you.  Life is enough of a challenge.  Your constant presence just makes it that much worse, that much more painful.  Its time for you to leave. Please leave no forwarding address. Please take everything that belongs to you and simply go. 
A Tired D-Momma

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