Sometimes your the bug

Originally posted in 2009 but the feelings remain the same....

Today I am definitely feeling like the bug. Its after midnight and of course I was dying to get to sleep. I set my alarm for early tomorrow morning...my son's last day of school. I found a meter and a strip. I grabbed a lancet, waded through all of the junk that the boys had left on the stairs rather than putting away and was off to test. One last check for a few hours. One check and I could sleep! We had been out for pizza to celebrate good grades so my youngest son would still be high. He was 16 (288) earlier so you know I was going to be able to rest.


Wrong! I took the meter. I filled his finger with blood. The strip refused to suck. What the???? Okay, I cleaned the finger. I got more blood. I tried again. It just barely accepted the blood. I waited for the reading...E5. It was an error reading!! Not enough blood. Oh the lovely four letter words that were on the tip of my tongue as I headed back downstairs. Let me try this again.


New meter. This one had to be better. New strip. Same lancing device. Back up the stairs, this time grumbling and picking up items as I went. I threw the items off to the side for the boys to deal with tomorrow and headed to my son's bed. Once again, I lance his finger. Once again, I get a large amount of blood. The strip sucks this time. I walk towards the stairs not even thinking about having to correct. Good thing...he was 3.2 (57). More choice words as I shuffle off to get some juice. I fill a glass, find a straw and do those stairs for a third time in less than five minutes. He is not keen on drinking. I finally get him to sip. He drinks it all except the last few drops. Those are sucked up into the straw and then fly all over his pillow. He is using my cream pillow cases and I have managed to get strawberry juice on them! I can't even blame him but I am choked. I clean them as best as I can and now I wait. Why are 15 minutes a lifetime when you are dead tired and simply want this day to end?


Yeah! 5.5 (99) and I am off to bed for two hours. Oh the fun! Oh the joys! Oh where is my DexCom Seven Plus????

Confessions of a Depressed D-Momma

This post was written earlier this year and understood by many.  Things have improved for the most part but diabetes and depression seem to go together far too often...

Confessions of a D-Momma

At the beginning of the year I posted about people living with diabetes and depression and/or burnout.  As parents, we ache for our children going through this each day and do our best to relieve some of their burden. Many parents go through a depression or period of mourning at diagnosis but I wonder how many feel that they may have developed depression in part because of diabetes moving into their homes?

When my son was diagnosed, it took me months before I sat and cried.  Initially I was so happy that he was alive that I didn't think beyond that.  As he grew stronger, my focus was on learning and the fear of "what if".  After months of testing and injecting, it hit me one night...I would never make him better. I would continue this routine until he would do it himself but he would not be cured. I sat alone in the dark and cried.

I moved on after that. I took control where I could because diabetes had left other parts of our lives so out of control. I found an amazing online support group.  I met some local people who became friends.  They understood my life and it made me feel less alone. I plowed through and worked on a variety of issues. I tackled the federal government and had them change the Disability Tax Credit, making it more fair for people with diabetes. I joined groups and committees. I advocated for change in a variety of areas. I organized diabetes walks, created a website and eventually began this blog.

Despite all of these great things and the encouragement of many, I always had a sense that I was not doing enough. I was inadequate. Change was slow.  Rewards were gifts to the heart.  Because most of what I did was volunteer, there was very little, if any, financial reward. Money is what makes the world go around and if you have no financial worth then what is your value? People would tell me that I should "get a life".  I should "get over it". I needed to "get a real job".
In my heart, I know my value. I know what I have done as a parent, a mother and an advocate are very important. These comments still haunt me however. They still make me wonder.  I know the good things that I have done and continue to do. I see my son's A1c when he is with me and I know that I am important to his health. I know the real value of that gift  When I begin to forget my worth, I often receive amazing emails and comments that truly light up my day. The value of these comments and the friendships I have made are well beyond a financial measure to me. 

And yet there are some days this knowledge is still not enough to see me through to the next day. The demons, the comments, the fears, the exhaustion--they are all there in the back of my head.  They lurk, telling me that I am not good enough--as a pancreas, as a parent, as a person.  The depression takes over. A black cloud hovers overhead.

Its a cloud that I cannot quite seem to easily escape. I look at myself and ask, what gives? I have a lot of blessings in my life. I have a lot to be thankful for. What is my problem?

I wish I knew. I have to fix it. I have seen many victories from many battles over the years--both personal and in the diabetes world. I should be happy with my successes. I should not be sad, depressed, blue, fearful or lack any self-worth. Perhaps its a shift that I need to make within me--to focus on the positive and push back the depression and feelings of inadequacy.   
Diabetes has taken over a lot of our lives. It has brought many changes and has brought me many blessings.  It has changed me. It has enhanced me.  It seems to have also brought a friend called depression but I won't let it win any more than I will let diabetes win.

Nightmare illness

As promised, here is a post that was originally written back in June of 2009....



It all started last night a little after 9pm. My son had been playing with his friends. He and a friend came in and grabbed a freezie. My son soon came back to me saying he felt a little ill. That was when it began. He ran for the toilet and promptly vomited enough for 10 people! He had it everywhere. I was washing the floors, the walls and every surface in between.


When he was done, I told him to test and check for ketones. His blood glucose level had been in range but something had to have caused this. Where was the Precision meter? We tore apart all of our diabetes drawers. I dug in cupboards. We pulled apart junk baskets. Finally I found more than just empty meter cases and my son was able to test for ketones. They were only trace. That was not our problem. I gave him gravol, his friend went home and my little boy headed for the couch.


It didn't take long before he was sound asleep on the couch. I quietly worked and hoped that he would be fine by the time I had to go and pick up his older brother from a teen dance. I heard a noise and looked to see if he was okay. He wasn't. He was on his back, hands over his mouth and vomiting once again but this time he was keeping it all in his body. I was terrified. I had to force him on his side and hold him there. He kept wanting to roll back and keep in the vomit. It was up his nose and all over himself. I held on to him and let him throw up all over the floor. It was easy to clean but he kept telling me that he could not move. I was more and more scared. Finally the vomiting stopped. I had him sit up. He was very disoriented.


I ran a tub for him and wondered if I would have to bathe him. He was fine by the time it was done. He cleaned the vomit from his body and his hair while I cleaned another room. He decided that the was starving when he was done. I gave him a cracker and more gravol. He went back to sleep on the couch.


When it was time to leave I tried to get him to get dressed. He was still pretty out of it. We put a blanket, pillow, bucket, and rags in the back of the car and prepared for our car trip. As I started the car, I could hear the back door open and he began to vomit again. I stayed there and waited for him to be done. I wanted to cry. Was this ever going to end? My son wanted to stay at home but I could not leave him alone by himself. I was terrified that he would throw up on his back again. I was also going to be awhile and was not leaving him alone.


We made the trip with all of the car windows open. He slept like a log and all seemed okay. We got home and he wanted to eat. I had said if he could make the trip without being sick then I would let him have a cracker. He tested and he was 3 (54). I gave him sugar water instead. I needed something that he wouldn't throw up and was pure sugar. It didn't help. He fell asleep but stayed low. I decided to take a chance and try glucose tablets. He ate them but he didn't go up. I set a temporary reduced basal on his pump. Still no upward movement. I finally suspended his pump. Still nothing. More glucose and finally a cracker. He had to go up eventually...and he did. When he reached 4 (72) I went and laid down for an hour. We were now at well after 3am. I set my alarm and checked him again. He had moved up to 5 (90). Back to bed I went with my alarm set for another 2 hours. My son was sleeping on the couch. I had propped him up so he could not sleep on his back.


About an hour later I heard him again. He was in the bathroom throwing up. He finished and came into my room to sleep. I got another gravol for him. I was hoping this would eventually start to work! He instantly fell back to sleep. I dozed. With each turn he made I was awake and certain he was throwing up again. He did vomit again at 6am. He had a bucket beside him but little left to vomit. I was exhausted. He slept like a log. His bg level had not gone over 10(180) all night. I could not believe it.


By 11:30am he was awake and looking for food. I gave him some toast and told him to see how that worked. He no longer was that lovely shade of green so I hoped for the best. He said he felt perfect. By 1pm he was ready to go over to his father's for the night. I called to check on him. He has been perfect all day. I am so glad for him but boy am I ever beat!

Thank you to our Doctor

Happy 4th of July to our US friends! 
This post was originally published in response to a question for Diabetes Blogfest  last year....



Dear Dr. vG;

It is day two of Diabetes Blogfest and a letter to you seemed appropriate.

We met over 11 years ago.  I was told that you were the best and when I saw you, well, I wondered.  My son was terribly ill and a man in a checkered shirt, bushy beard, and big winter boots was to be the one to save him? I left it in God's hands and we have never looked back.

You were very matter of fact when you met us.  You left me scared and shaken to the core when you told me that the next twelve hours would tell us if he lived or died, if he had heart problems or kidney failure.  You would teach me about diabetes and whatever else I needed to know after you saved my son's life.

I remember very little of you after that.  I know you were there. I know that our prayers were answered and you saved my son's life that night. You carefully balanced his insulin and fluids, bringing him back to us healthy and full of life. 

You met us again after he left intensive care.  I can still see you standing near his room door.  You told me that he could honeymoon for years.  You warned me of impotency at 20.  You gave me the facts never worrying that I could not handle them.  You told me that I had to learn things that were foreign to me.  I had to be able to handle my son going low before we could go home. You seemed to know my strength more than I did because I was sure I would never be able to handle it all.

Over the years you pushed me.  You guided me and then left me to fly or fall on my own.  You told your secretary to ignore my faxes for help because you knew that I could answer my own questions. I grumbled upon your return, you laughed and reminded me that I had done fine. When I decided to apply and fight for the Disability Tax Credit you told me I was crazy.  You said it could not be done but if I wanted to waste my time, you would not stop me.  When we were headed to court to further the fight, you were still standing beside us.  When we won, not just for my son but for the thousands of people living with diabetes in Canada, you laughed and complaied that I had given you more work that you didn't need.

As my son grew, you pushed me again.  You knew that diabetes care I could handle but you also knew how difficult it would be for me to let go of my children--especially one that had almost been taken from me.  You made my son take care of himself long before many thought he was ready.  You asked more of him than many others of his age.  I was scared. I balked but went along with it because it had worked with me.  Your reasoning was sound but I was terrified.

I am still scared today but I am grateful for the tools you gave us.  Last year, we moved away and had to leave your practice.  When my son was diagnosed, I had asked if you would ever leave us but I never imagined that life would put us on a path where we would have to leave your care. 

You shared stories of your family.  You shared your insights and offered us food for thought. You created a strong foundation for us to go forward on and I will forever be grateful.  We have stumbled.  We have not always agreed but you allowed us room to grow and had faith in us when we may not have had it in ourselves. 

Thank you for saving my son. Thank you for showing us how to stand.  Thank you for giving us the courage to fly.

Once again....Airports and Pumps

A review for those of us traveling...



In the news recently was a story about a 16 year old young girl who was returning from a conference.  She happened to have diabetes and was wearing an insulin pump.  She had a letter from her doctor stating that she could not go through the scanners but would require a body search.  TSA screeners in Salt Lake City felt that they knew better than this young lady or her doctor and required her to go through a full-body scanner.

She has since claimed that this act resulted in the malfunctioning of her $10,000 insulin pump.  She is not happy. Her parents are not happy and many in the diabetes community are left asking, "What are we supposed to do?" 

For me, we have done both the patdown and gone through a screener.  Until recently I have told the security personnel that my son is wearing an insulin pump and we would prefer he be patted down.  At one point they argued with me stating that as pumpers themselves, they constantly exposed themselves and their pumps to the scanner machines with absolutely no adverse effects. We decided to finally give it a try. Of course my son had some other item on his body that set off the alarm and still had to be pat down but his pump did not see any adverse damage. 

So the question remained, for those of us who will be traveling by air and having to go through airport security what do we do? According to an Animas statement released in response to the Salt Lake City incident (May 2012 Standby Statement)  "...we recommend that our patients avoid going through X-ray machines when traveling, as the machines may potentially damage the pump's software and therefore affect insulin delivery.  This includes the newest airport screening tool, Advanced Imaging Technology (AIT) or full body scanner."  They further advise pumpers to alert TSA employees that they are insulin pump users and should NOT undergo an X-ray machine.  Animas will also provide a letter to its customers that can be shared with airport personnel should they be questioned or asked to be scanned. If Animas pumpers have any further concerns, they can visit www.animas.com or call 877-767-7373.

I wondered why there was a problem, so I asked! I was curious if there were studies on how this decision was made. No studies could be found but it would appear that engineers feel that each time an electrical component goes through an x-ray machine, it fatigues some of the electrical components.  This made sense. If we get X-rays for our teeth, for the breathing issues in our lungs, after the skiing accident on our leg, and then on the six plane trips we took that year...well that's a lot of potential for fatigue!

 According to Medtronic, "You can continue to wear your insulin pump or continuous glucose monitor while going through common security systems such as an airport metal detector as it will not harm the device or trigger an alarm.  Do not send the devices through the X-ray machines.  You also need to remove your insulin pump and CGM (sensor and transmitter) while going through an airport body scanner or ask for a pat-down screening."   

I was still confused though...what is the difference between X-ray, full body scanners and metal detectors?  Google to the rescue! While I did not bother to get into the technical differences, we know that the X-ray machine is the thing that scans our purses, laptops and jackets.  How do we tell the difference between a metal detector and a body scanner? It turns out that a metal detector is the traditional screener that we have all come to love to hate.

The full body scanners are the new fangled gadgets that some airports have recently begun to implement. They look more like this...

and for some reason make me think of a woman getting ready for a mammogram!

What does all of this mean? The main message I received is to go with a pat down ideally but absolutely, 100% without a doubt do NOT put your pump on the belt with your laptop, purse or jacket to go through the X-ray machine. Do not put your pump or CGM through a body scanner but if you want to walk through a regular traditional metal scanner...well make sure that you don't have the pump clip still attached because you know that is going to set it off!

Obsessed...Me??

On this day in 2010 I wondered if it was okay to be obsessed...


Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines "obsess" as to excessively preoccupy the mind. People have said that I obsess over my son's diabetes. I have jokingly gone along with it on occasion. I have also been shocked at times to realize how much it is a part of my day and my life.

A couple of times recently, I have had the opportunity to go to lunch with my oldest son while my child with diabetes is involved in other things.  As we sit at a table, I want to ask him to test.  After his meal arrives, I automatically figure out the carbs and then have to stop myself from telling him how much to bolus. Maybe that is a little "obsessed" or perhaps its just habit.  

For over ten years he has been with me most of the time. During most meals, I have had to remind him to wash his hands and to test his blood glucose level.  Even when he has not been with me, I have had the carbohydrates calculated in almost all of his meals done for him ahead of time. I don't think that wanting to ask someone else to test or calculating carbs is an obsession then. I think its just our way of life. 

Its not just meals that make me think about diabetes related stuff either.  I have been packing and unpacking as we adjust to a new home, new city and new way of life.  Things have been more than just a little stressful as the school year end was happening at the same time. I have been organizing diabetes walks, packing clothes, throwing out items stored for years, filling prescriptions, changing doctors and preparing myself and my son for his two week visit with his father. 

When all of the boxes were packed, the house was cleared, we had made our nine hour drive to our new home.  I had wonderful help in terms of my family to get things boxed up and shipped on. There was nothing left behind that was not meant to be.  Every piece of toilet paper was picked up. I was exhausted when we pulled away from our old house but I was confident that we had everything that we needed and that my son had all that he would need for his two weeks with is father.

Being exhausted and emotionally drained before a nine hour drive can only make your mind worse at the end of said drive. When we arrived here, my son and I grabbed the coolers and began to put things in the fridge and deep freeze.  Where was the insulin? I had about six vials of insulin.  Where was it? I took it out of the fridge. I put it on the counter. There was nothing left on the counter.  I had to have it.  What did I do with it? It was driving me crazy.  How could I have misplaced something so incredibly important?

For those who don't understand the reaction is obvious...why are you obsessing? The child is not even here and won't be for two weeks! He has his insulin and you do not need any.  You can buy more when you need it.  What is your problem? Why can't you let this go? Why is it so important to you now when you should be thinking about sleep?

Those questions did run through my head.  I have to have our prescriptions moved over before he gets home.  There is some insulin here even if I don't get it done in the next two weeks exactly.  Am I obsessed? The short answer to me at that time was YES! How can I not be? I have lived this life for the past ten and a half years.  I have seen how vital insulin is.  Yes, it may be about my child's life but this is my life as well. Whether he is here or not, diabetes has become something that I live and breathe.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Some may say its a bad thing and that I need to loosen up.  I think that it is okay.  I have seen too many deaths from this disease. How can anyway say that being concerned, being on top of things and worrying about your child's complete health is a bad thing? Oh and for the record...I still have about 50 boxes to go through (or so it feels like) and I still have no clue as to where the extra insulin is...or my cheese for that matter!

Diabetes still isn't sexy!

Happy Canada to all!! Here is one of my favorite posts inspired by a great parent of a child with diabetes....

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Everyone knows about breast cancer. If you are a woman like me, you fear it.  Everyone knows pink.  Everyone knows about losing a breast, chemotherapy and all of the other nasty things that come along with that horrible word--cancer.

November is Diabetes Awareness month. Very few know about diabetes.  Most people think it happens to someone else.  They don't think its serious.  They are not sure if the awareness color is blue or grey...and aren't really that concerned.  They know about blindness and amputation but that is not a given so its really not that big of a deal.

Its the ignorance of the disease that is frustrating.  The "its no big deal." and "You worry too much." comments that kill you.  I recently had a teacher ask me if we could arrange my child's highs and lows around an exam schedule.  She was well meaning and very sincere.  She thought that perhaps with warning of when a test was coming, that we could make sure that my son did not go high or low during that time. She was told by myself and one of her colleagues that it didn't work that way. 

It is hard to make people "see" what those of us who live with diabetes in our lives 24/7 "see" each day.  They don't understand why we test during the night and deprive ourselves of much needed rest.  They haven't had a friend not wake up from diabetes.  They don't understand how quickly a low comes on even after you have recently tested.  They haven't seen a child pass out in the middle of a playground because they went low and didn't know how to tell you.  They don't understand why we are so fearful of ketones.  They haven't seen the how quickly they attack our loved ones leaving them weak, frail, and clinging to life and how long it takes to get rid of them. 

To most people, diabetes is that disease where you can't have sugar (I mean its called "the sugar" isn't it?).  Its that disease that Grandma had but she liked to sneak cookies so its no wonder she went blind. Its not like cancer or a serious disease. No one dies from diabetes.  Parents who test, hover, and want you learn about that thing called Glucagon are just those overprotective people who need to learn how to let their kids just be kids.

I don't know how to get the majority to understand.  As someone recently said, diabetes is not sexy.  It is not a disease about pretty pink ribbons and cleavage.  Its a disease that is grey and about blood.  There is nothing attractive about diabetes.  You can't see a pancreas.  Don't get me wrong. I am very attached to my breasts and would love a day when we don't have to worry about breast cancer but after years of being my son's pancreas? Well, it may not be a sexy organ and it may not have any appeal to the general public but I guarantee it has my utmost respect and I would not want to lose it either.

So what is the answer? How do get more people to understand? We keep going as we are and then some.  We advocate. We educate. We communicate.  We teach those who want to learn.  We tolerate some ignorance and try to help them to understand what this disease is really about. Its a long road. Its frustrating at times but with each person who learns the reality? Well its another person who wants a cure almost as much as those of us who live with it.
October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Everyone knows about breast cancer. If you are a woman like me, you fear it.  Everyone knows pink.  Everyone knows about losing a breast, chemotherapy and all of the other nasty things that come along with that horrible word--cancer.

November is Diabetes Awareness month. Very few know about diabetes.  Most people think it happens to someone else.  They don't think its serious.  They are not sure if the awareness color is blue or grey...and aren't really that concerned.  They know about blindness and amputation but that is not a given so its really not that big of a deal.

Its the ignorance of the disease that is frustrating.  The "its no big deal." and "You worry too much." comments that kill you.  I recently had a teacher ask me if we could arrange my child's highs and lows around an exam schedule.  She was well meaning and very sincere.  She thought that perhaps with warning of when a test was coming, that we could make sure that my son did not go high or low during that time. She was told by myself and one of her colleagues that it didn't work that way. 

It is hard to make people "see" what those of us who live with diabetes in our lives 24/7 "see" each day.  They don't understand why we test during the night and deprive ourselves of much needed rest.  They haven't had a friend not wake up from diabetes.  They don't understand how quickly a low comes on even after you have recently tested.  They haven't seen a child pass out in the middle of a playground because they went low and didn't know how to tell you.  They don't understand why we are so fearful of ketones.  They haven't seen the how quickly they attack our loved ones leaving them weak, frail, and clinging to life and how long it takes to get rid of them. 

To most people, diabetes is that disease where you can't have sugar (I mean its called "the sugar" isn't it?).  Its that disease that Grandma had but she liked to sneak cookies so its no wonder she went blind. Its not like cancer or a serious disease. No one dies from diabetes.  Parents who test, hover, and want you learn about that thing called Glucagon are just those overprotective people who need to learn how to let their kids just be kids.

I don't know how to get the majority to understand.  As someone recently said, diabetes is not sexy.  It is not a disease about pretty pink ribbons and cleavage.  Its a disease that is grey and about blood.  There is nothing attractive about diabetes.  You can't see a pancreas.  Don't get me wrong. I am very attached to my breasts and would love a day when we don't have to worry about breast cancer but after years of being my son's pancreas? Well, it may not be a sexy organ and it may not have any appeal to the general public but I guarantee it has my utmost respect and I would not want to lose it either.

So what is the answer? How do get more people to understand? We keep going as we are and then some.  We advocate. We educate. We communicate.  We teach those who want to learn.  We tolerate some ignorance and try to help them to understand what this disease is really about. Its a long road. Its frustrating at times but with each person who learns the reality? Well its another person who wants a cure almost as much as those of us who live with it.