I began writing this blog to share with other people living with diabetes. I wanted people to know that they were not alone in what they were going through, This has meant that I have shared feelings as they happened--both positive and negative, real and raw. Today is no different.
I have been going through terrible Momma anxiety and guilt about my son choosing to move back with his father. I know in my head why he made the move that he did. My head knows that it was not personal. My head knows that this decision actually had very little to do with me and had everything to do with being 16 and wanting to stretch his wings. My sister kindly explained things to me and helped me to understand the thought process of a teen in this position. My heart still feels bruised. It still wants to take everything personally but it's not all about me.
"It's not all about me" is a really difficult concept to grasp for a control freak like me. I like to think that I am a lot less of a control freak than I once was....and the scary thing is that its true! Life has made me learn to let go a lot more than I once did but I am still far from perfect (but don't tell anyone). I still would like more things to go my way on my schedule. Since my son felt that life should be on his schedule and his schedule said it was time to leave Mom, my compromise when it came to his diabetes care was that we talk each week about his readings, trends, and problems. This was fine and has worked well for the most part.
We have bumps. I can get frustrated by what I see (or don't see). I do my best to keep my words constructive. Occasionally I fail. Last week my son headed off to his first diabetes clinic without Mom in attendance. Mom, being a bit of a control freak still, had contacted the clinic, reminded said son of the appointment, and forwarded his current basal pattern and carb to insulin ratios to the nurse. On Monday the nurse educator contacted me with my son's A1c, noted the changes she had made and let me know where she intended to take things from there.
Remember that I am a control freak. Remember that I spent years going to that clinic and my level of diabetes knowledge was equal to or better than their's in some cases. When we attended, they asked me what was new in care techniques. I was the person who brought in information on Lantus, the use of glucagon during illness as well as the latest in pump technology. Each time I have gone into any of our clinics (the one he is now attending and the last one that he attended with me), the team was always interested to hear from me what was new in the realm of treatment. I guess that means I have a huge ego to go with my controlling personality and that can't be good.
Back to the new nurse (whom I have never met), she felt that my son would benefit from more work with a CDE and set up another appointment with an educator closer to his home. He is off to see this person today. The gamut of emotions I am experiencing is crazy.
The rational me says "its good that he is exposed to new ideas and new people. Sometimes someone else saying the same thing that you have said can allow things to finally click. He has a good knowledge of his care. He will not easily be confused by someone else's suggestions. This is a good thing."
The emotional, still wounded momma in me says, "Whoa here!! We are doing okay thank you! I am very capable of teaching my son. We may be apart in distance but I am still as involved as I can be. I have managed to maintain excellent A1c's in this child for 13+ years, Even on his own, this A1c would be coveted by a lot of parents who have teens with diabetes. Why are you pushing me out of this?"
That's what it boils down to isn't it? A momma bear who has been so ferociously protective of her children for so many years feeling pushed away on all sides. Is it really happening? No. The nurse from my son's clinic has kept me in the loop of what is happening and the changes that she made. My son has kept me in the loop calling me and telling me what they talked about. No one is pushing me out. They are working to do the very best for my son. They are exposing my son to new ideas.
Yes, he has already been exposed to some of the best minds in diabetes care in the world. He knows that. He has to be able to learn to say, "I know that already" or "thanks but this works for me because..." He is learning to speak for himself. That is the goal for a parent--to raise strong, independent children. I told my boys to never be sheep. Do what you feel is right. Never blindly follow. My son knows that this also applies to his health care. He also knows that everyone needs help now and again and that with knowledge comes power.
He is growing. He is learning. My role is changing and it is changing quickly. That is painful. That is my problem. I have to adjust. I have to remember that it's not about me. It's not personal. Its life. Its change. It's what happens when our children grow up.
For those of you who are also dealing with these issues...you are not alone. For those who have gone before me, thank you for reminding me that this too shall pass. Change is important in all of our lives. It can be terribly difficult but change is what makes the world go around.