Why did I get such perverse pleasure from my son freaking out about his blood glucose dropping and my relatively cavalier attitude? Because this week brought us back full circle to Mom freaking out at him and him basically wishing that I would simply go away or at least give up the rant.
Once again, I looked at his meter. Once again all of those readings that he supposedly had but could not remember five minutes later were because HE DID NOT TEST!!!! Once again I lost it. Once again I yelled. Once again I told him that I HATE being lied to. Once again I said that he cannot be trusted. Once again I wanted to sit and cry. Once again I worried about the future.
I still want to cry. I still am frustrated. I still hate diabetes more and more. My son is a teen. I get that. He has a serious case of "teen brain". I get that too. He is not my first teenage son but thankfully he is my last.
I hate that no matter what diabetes is there wreaking some sort of havoc in our lives. There have been a lot of changes in our lives recently. I have a lot of other "stuff" on my mind. I am trying to create a new business. I am dealing with new budgetary issues. There is Christmas coming up, my car that needed brakes and tires and so much more of life's daily challenges. I really did not have a lot of time to sit and hover over my son to make sure that he was testing when I asked. It would appear that I needed to make time but... I DON'T WANT TO!!
I am tired of being the diabetes police. I am tired of testing, bolusing and counting carbs. I am tired of waking up in the middle of the night and convincing myself that I do not want to roll over and go back to sleep. What I really want to do is to get out of bed, wander down the hallway, find my son's glucometer and test him.
No I don't!! I want to have a "normal" life. I want to worry about him being happy. I don't want to have to be the one to remind him that when he looks at his budget in career class, he needs to make sure that he can afford the extra $400+ per month required to keep him alive. I don't want to be the person to say "I don't think that career will pay you enough." "Do you think you will have good medical benefits with that job?"
These aren't conversations that I have with my other son. My biggest concern with him is that he spend all of his money on restaurants and exotic groceries.
We have been doing this diabetes thing for almost 13 years. Some parts are easier...and some parts remain frustrating. Despite that, I am done. I am tired. I want off of this ride. We have been on it for too long and knowing that my son will never get off tips me closer to the edge.
Once again I rant and scream. Once again it will change nothing. Once again I will breathe. Once again my son will test in front of me. Once again I will pray that he truly "gets it"...one day.