Its been ages since we have had any sort of a low. We have been fighting highs and puberty for months. A good day sees numbers that are at least in range but a low? What are those? Funny though, when a low does arrive it always happens at night.
Last night I was sleeping in bed and had no desire to get up. I began to think that one night without testing would not be a bad thing. Maybe this one night I could sleep through and I would get my son to wake up one night to test to give me a break next week. It sounded like a great plan. He had been in range or high most nights. I could take a night off. It would be good for me. I know I was awake but still not having to physically get out of bed? Yeah, that was the ticket. That was what I should do. I was tired. I owed it to me. I should stay in bed and go back to sleep.
After such a long debate, you know that I got out of bed. I was awake. I felt guilty. I felt selfish for wanting to sleep when my child should be tested. I got out of bed. I crossed the hall and tested. I then wanted to cry. He was low. Granted he was not rock bottom, freak me out, this will take days to come up low. He was just a lot lower than I like to see him at night low and needs 20g of carbohydrate low. I fed him his glucose gel because he was semi awake and wanted to try it.
I left his room telling him to sleep and I would be back to test him. I grabbed my book and curled up on the couch hoping not to wake anyone else in the house while I waited. As I walked away I so wanted to cry. I get that feeling often when treating a low at night. Its the desire to cry with relief because of all of the "what ifs" that run through your head. Its the desire to cry for that selfish reason--you are dead tired and just want to be able to sleep without being on guard all of the time. Its the selfish frustration that says, "I have been doing this for over ten years now and I want a break but I can't and he will never have that break until a cure is found. " Its that selfish craving to live a life like others who can sleep and just get up in the morning after complaining that the cat next door kept them up all night rather than their own worrying and nerves about the safety and health of their child kept them up. I know I am not alone. I know that diabetes is not the only disease that leaves parents worrying. All of that adds to making you feel worse.
I crawl back into bed after adding that extra five grams of carbs "just in case" and I want to cry because I have been so selfish. Others have it worse. It could have been worse for me. I only have one child to deal with. I am able to work from home and can sit at my computer screen in my pyjamas for hours before I get my body working if I want. I just end up feeling selfish...and tired. So is life when diabetes lives in your house. Could it please move to its own house with no one in it but itself? I guess not. Time to suck it up and be grateful to see another day with my son.