Its funny how everyone thinks of the A1c test if it is the true measure of your ability to be a pancreas. What is supposed to be a guide becomes a ruler on which to judge if we have "passed" or "failed" in our ability to beat the diabetes gods for the past 3 months.
Liam's A1c was done about a month ago. We finally got the results yesterday. I knew I would fail. I knew I had been a bad pancreas. I knew that I wasn't logging. I knew that Liam not testing and me not being on top of it all would come back to bite me. I also knew that my son had begun puberty and hormones were now seriously messing with our ability to get any sort of handle on control.
I failed. By my standards I failed rather miserably. I believe it is the worst A1c we have had. Yes it could have been worse but I still feel that I have failed. I know there has been a burn out factor and still the good old "mommy guilt". I am burnt out after all of this time and yet my child will have to carry this burden for much longer than I will. Who am I to burn out so quickly?
Good or bad, Liam has a much more lax attitude towards his disease. He takes things as they come, corrects as he goes along and does not seem bothered by much. Mom takes each high or low as a personal failure and over the past few months it has been worse than ever. I have become my own worst critic. That is not a good thing.
I have had to step back and look at the advice I give so many newly diagnosed parents...look at the world 4 hours at a time. If you have a good 4 hour period be proud and know that you were a good pancreas. If you get a longer stretch with good numbers then do a happy dance. You were amazing! We have seen good stretches. I have made good calls but I am still sending myself back to school. Time to dig out the John Walsh "Pumping Insulin" books and make some new notes. I haven't sat down with any of them in a few years and I think I need to start fresh. Its time to clean out the cobwebs and look at things as if I was just starting out. Its easy to get complacent. You cannot let diabetes rule your life but complications are real and a good respect of the "gods" you are playing with is not a bad idea either.
Back to the books!